Apologies on the Silent Treatment

Hey, I’m locked out of my email account.  How embarassing.  If you’ve sent me something and I haven’t responded, it’s not because I’m a social retard with bad social skills – I am, don’t get me wrong, that’s just not why I’m not texting you back.  Rest assured that I still respect you and I’m not playing hard to get.  I’m just not sure how to log on to my account.

I’m starting to think giving my password to those people calling me about my car warranty expiring soon was a bad idea.

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Magic: The KiDiddling

Ye Holy Cats and the Great God Almighty, what the hell is going on in MagicLand?

Your old Pal E. Reagan Wright was never much one for CCGs.  Richard Garfield breathed new life into the tabletop hobby with his money pit of a game, but he also moved the dear sainted center of the RPG universe from good old middle-Merican Wisconsin and my hometown of Lake Geneva to the Left Coast where it was destined to be infiltrated by SJWs like my backside in the shower during my recent ninety-day spa treatment at the local County Men’s Club for Wayward Rapscallions.

UntitledIt turns out electing Donald J. Trump wasn’t just the catalyst for smoking the pedos and sexpests out of Hollywood…and the media…and the Senate…and stand-up comedy…well, you get the idea.  The God Emperor’s reach even extends way down the food chain to the niche hobby of a niche hobby, and his minions are literally everywhere.

First one of those plain jane gals with the wide hips and fishy lips quits the cosplay game thanks to being pawed by fedora neckbeards one too many times.  Who could have seen that coming?  Now Wizards blew out a popular CCG commentator for the thoughtcrime of joining with 62,000,000 other Americans to vote for a Nazi like Trump, which inspired muh dude Jeremy Hambly, and clear reader of SJWs Always Lie to make the rubble bounce on his way out the door.  Booting Hambly, faithful servant of the GE, just meant that he broke containment and had no reason not to spill the kiddie-diddling beans that WotC had been sitting on for so dang long.

This explains Dan Harmon’s popularity and the existence of HarmonQuest.  Like attracts like.  These fantasy and sci-fi nerds just can’t tear their eyes away from fat, childless weirdo beardos even unto the point that they are willing to watch these guys play a game that they could be playing themselves.  Seriously, nerds, you don’t have to be random strange women to nerd-celeb’s Louis CK.  Stop playing with yourselves, letting other people watch you play with themselves, and hie on down to the local nerdery to sit down and play with living, breathing (probably shallowly thanks to the stanks, but you know) people.

They didn’t let me play RPGs in the clink.  Well, my cellmate had an RPG that he liked to LARP, but I’m really more of a tabletop guy that a LARPer.  Not having face to face playing time for 90 court ordered days almost killed me.  I am chomping at the bit to get down to the local for some dice time.  Watching tedious people slur their way through in-jokes for three hours is a worse way to go through life than fat, drunk, and stupid.

Take it from a guy who knows.

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The Last Jedi

Forgive Uncle E. Reagan if this is old news, I’m still catching up on stuff that happened since Judge Stalin took exception to my handing out coupons for free helicotpter rides on Halloween.  Although, now that I think of it, it might have been my decision to hand them out while pantless.  At gunpoint.  Inside the local Starbucks.  Drunk.

The Last Jedi is the single greatest film ever put to celluloid.  I’ve seen it six times this week.

This thing is fan-freaking-tastic.  It punches all of the right buttons for Uncle E. Reagan.

Now, I went in a skeptic.  Kathy Kennedy and Jar Jar Abrams aren’t going to catch me with my pants down like those six SWAT cops did on Halloween.  I walked into that dark theater with a chip on my shoulder and a serious case of stink-eye.  Me and Star Wars go way back.  Darth Vader was the father who abandoned me for years and then returned only to cut my hand off that I never had.  My actual father was the father who abandoned me for years and then returned only to cut my hand off that I did have, but old Darthy V?  He was the one I didn’t have.

The point is, just as I won’t turn my back on a loved one with cancer, no matter how sad it is to watch them die, I can’t just turn my back on my beloved Star Wars.  I had planned on being there with it until the bitter and butthurt end, but then something miraculous happened.  After a few minutes of Rey being boring and talking to Luke and Rain Johnson giving me a serious case of the lightsabre blueballs, the heavens opened up, the angels sang a chorus, and my jaw dropped in sheer ecstasy as Luke dropped to his haunches and milked them big old alien quad-titties for all they were worth.

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It was the best thing since that black cabbie groped a three-gunned space hooker in Total Recall.  I mean, there I was, sitting in a theater, and wouldn’t you know it?  I brought the wrong popcorn tub – nobody told me to bring my special tub, the one with the hole cut out of the bottom.  The one I take to the discount theater back behind the tattoo parlors and biker bars.  You know which one I’m talking about.

So I had to go back to the theater after running home for a little…physical therapy, you unnnerstand.  Six times I’ve paid to see this masterpiece that you just know is going to win a Hugo for The Scene and probably a bunch of women’s lid nonsense that happens later in the film.  I don’t know what else is in it, a chubby Charlie chick I guess?  I don’t know, I still haven’t seen anything that happens after Luke uses the Force to resist motorboating them glorious mammaries and settles for a little hot man on alien milkjug action.

In fact, I gotta go catch it again right now.

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The Dream of One Book Shelf

The tinpot dictators over at One Book Shelf are up to their old tricks again.  You’ll recall that they rejected my own RPG, Shitlord: The Triggering outright.  Well, now they’ve gone and done did it again.

TheRPGPundit, old Pundy hisself, wrote up a tight little OSR game called Lion and Dragon, pimped the hell out of it, and then just after it released and racked up enough sales to start working those algorithms like an Alabama whore, they – whoopsi daisey – had a temporary glitch that caused it to go the way of mouthy Clinton aides.  Here’s the sordid mess in Pundy’s own words.

I guess by One Book Shelf, they are advertising their dream of a 1984 world where they own a shelf with just One Book – probably Mao’s little red book.

Now, Pundy may be an obnoxious and mouthy RPG designer too full of his own britches, foul mouthed and nicotine stained and not nearly as politically savvy as he thinks he is…and that make him my kind of guy!  Speaking as a fellow successful and highly influential member of the RPG community’s Commentariat, this aggression must not stand.  So I say go out and give RPGnow lots and lots of your money by purchasing a copy of Lion and Dragon today.  That will sure teach them a lesson!  They’ll see, while counting fat stacks of cash Pundy earned them, that if they go around targeting right-wing nut jobs that we can’t be stopped from giving them even more of our money!

Besides, Pundy might be my kind of guy, but he knows his way around a d20.  This game is great.  “A medeival authentic RPG” sounds nice.  You can backstab your way around the party while the Saracens stroll into Madrid, your sister gets burned at the stake for a witch because of a strange birthmark, and then die of tetanus after getting a parchment cut.  It’s fun for the whole family!  (The ones that survive past the age of two, anyway – both of them.  If you’re lucky.)

Seriously, though.  Go buy it.  Anything that annoys the left is worthwhile, and seeing Pundy’s name at the top of the best sellers list is almost as aggravating to them as watching themselves get played like a violin by a minority author who refuses to act as purse puppy and dance to their cornfed, white as all get out, deeply damaged souls.

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Teaser Trailer Trash

Well ain’t that a kick in the kiwis?  My decision to hand out coupons for one free helicopter ride on Halloween didn’t go over so well with the local authorities.  And here I thought I was doing those little beggars a favor by warning them about the real price of communism.  Caught myself a nice little three month vacay down to the local Bars and Stripes County Detention Center for that prank.  The food sucks and the thermostat is always set a little too low, but my cellmate did a fine job compensating for the latter during those long and lonely nights listening to the lonely train whistle blowing.  Maybe I should have gone with my first instinct and passed out coupons for one free slice down at Comet Pizza?  The judge what sentenced me probably would have appreciated that one.

Speaking of people with creepy adolescent fixations, it’s almost Hoggo Award Season and now that the committee has seen fit to throw the leading beaner voice of sci-fi out of the show and send him back into the taco truck where they figure he belongs, your decision for the nominations got a little easier.  Much as I like that guy’s style, I have to agree with the WorldCon folks that I just can’t handle the competition.  If you can’t beat ’em, ban ’em!  Now, you could put the hi-larious and ever-so-poignant Prolapsing Empire on your ballot, but let’s face it here, Jack, when it comes to prizes passed out like candy, there’s just no way that the Hoggo voters can possibly turn down a short story tailor-made to tickle them right in their literary pretensions like a Breen on a bender.  (And by “bender” I mean small child.)

I am so confident that you are going to love this story, that I’m going to post the whole thing in it’s entirety right here on this very blog come February One.  If you just can’t wait that long to bask in the glow of the very next Hoggo Award you can always purchase a copy for reading on your personal data device right at the Jeff Bezos Five and Dime.  Lemme make that easy for you:
Gotta be frank, I’m kind of jealous of you.  By writing this story, I have denied myself the absolute tear jerking experience of reading it for my ownself.

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New Table

Here’s a look at what The Other Dungeon Wandering Monster table looks like what with all of the recent changes:

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See, the goblins have been wiped out and they killed Bruud early.  Note that the remaining goblins are now homeless, but they didn’t leave the dungeon altogether.  I figure they holed up in that hole in the northern end of the dungeon and spend more time wandering around these days.

This means that the players have earned them a “Nothing Happens” for 30% of the random encounters.  That’s a nice little in-game reward for the players.  I may add a wandering creature or two as things move on, but the players are already getting a little itchy to try a new dungeon.  And they are running out of things to explore, so if they can do that faster now that they’ve wiped out two dungeon factions, so much the better.

Besides, the undead aren’t going to be east, and it’s going to be challenging to beat the lizardmen on their own turf, given that the fighting is in cold, knee deep water where hungry little fish lie in wait.

Also, a bigass shark.

So, you know.  They got that going for them.

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The Other Dungeon, Part Four

The party has got to clear the goblins.  No way around it.  Just look at the map.

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They have to clear their six.  If they go in The Other Dungeon beyond the Goblin Door, then they have no way out but fighting their out.  That is not a recipe for success.  That’s a recipe for the Colonel’s extra-crispy TKP.

The bad new is that they have a Boss, 2 thugs, a shaman, and 25 grunts left to deal with.  That’s a lot of “roll to hit” to face in a single combat.

The good news is that the party already knows where the goblins are and they already killed the biggest weapon in the gerblin king’s aresenal when they poisoned the all their pretty little boars.

The better news is that this party might be slow, but they aren’t entirely stupid.  One of the regulars was shaving his pet ferret when he remembered that they had heard goblintongue before way back during session one (or was it two).  He suggested an appropriate search around previously explored portions of the cave for a back entrance.  They loaded up on fresh retainers and went in through the south entrance.  While poking around, they were interrupted by a squad of bugbears – hello wandering monster table – who E. Reagan realized had been brought in as mercenaries to help the goblins face the predations of the party.

The fight went well, and the wandering monster table is looking a little threadbare.  Which is fine!  One of the rewards for surviving and exploring one cave for so long is that parts of it get easier.  The exploration speeds up as the wandering monster table gets depleted and fewer interruptions arise from the dice.  See how that works?  That’s some mighty fine game design right there, if you don’t tinker with it!

After thinning the wandering herd, the party found a wooden trap door in the ceiling of a back room and realized they had a second way into the goblin lair.  One that the goblins didn’t know they knew about.  They pulled back to discuss the matter.  After some planning – like an hour of real time discussion (which is also fine!  These planning sessions are a lot of fun, too, and they are easy on the DM) – they discarded the idea of trying to lure the owlbears into a fight with the goblins and opted to send the thief around to the front door to burn some oil and faggots (relax, SJWs, I mean bundles of dry sticks) at the door and bang away.  The goblins, they figured, would leave by the back door and run headlong into a trap prepared by the party.

It was a great idea and would have worked great except they forgot about the other entrance through the boar pit.  The opening stages of the plan worked, with the goblins getting caught in a pincer movement and their forces cut in half.  They did some serious damage to the goblin numbers, but the goblins got impatient with this and ran back around through the boar pit door.  This caught half the party in a pincer movement of their own.

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Things got a little confusing at that point, with the party killing the Boss and one of his big (2HD) guards and most of the goblins.  They were hurting pretty bad themselves, though, with the two fighters stationed at “Backup” falling to a series of bad rolls.  The executed a fighting withdrawal at that point and got out.  The downside was that they didn’t really recover any treasure, so the XP reward was pretty low.

No problem, right?  Rest, recover, reload, and re-attack?

Yeah, this time they decided to go in through the boar entrance.  What they didn’t count on was that the shaman, now the goblin’s leader, was able to lure one of the owlbears into the pit while they were out.  So they had to deal with that, and that alerted the goblins to their presence, and so things devolved into two fights.  One pitting the guys in the pit against a hungry owlbear and one pitting the guys above against the full panoply of the goblins.

The guys in the pit dealt with the owlbear thanks to a well aimed magic missile, then rushed through the goblin lair to hit the goblins upstairs from behind.  They killed the shaman before he knew what hit him, and the remaining guard ran off along with six final goblins.  The party was in no position to pursue, so they looted the goblin’s lair and got some fat loot (which didn’t go very far given how overloaded they were with henchmen).  They learned about the peephole, and called it a night.

With two third level characters, on second level, and a bunch of loyal henchlings, the party feels pretty good about things right now.  They thought about burning out the Oooze, but it was late so they decided to take a shot at that next week.  Meanwhile, here’s the status of the Other Dungeon after four forays.

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Happy Halloween, goobers!

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