Alt Star Hero: The Negasonic Review

Well, well, well. Look what the email cat dragged in!

dynamique

Dynamique? More like “DynaPutMyDongInHerSarong” amirite?

It turns out the naysayers were so wrong about AltStarHero that they circled all the way back around to being right about it.

Not that the whole thing was a con and that Vox Day took the money and ran – that’s really more of a Ken Whitman thing .  With the first issue of AltStarHero, Crackdown, dropping into the wide open digital hot boxes of backers of the project, the haters and skeptics are once again revealed for the shills and green-eyed jelly monsters we’ve always suspected them to be.  The flip side is that, now that the beast is unleashed, we can all see what it was we paid for, and as the Top Men in comics told us it would be, it would be not very good.

Just…not very good in a very different way than the Top Men told us.

The art is passable, better than some Marvel titles (hello, Squirrely Girly), and worse than others.  I guess.  I’m not much of a comics nerd.  (I only know about that reference to Teenage Negaxonic Warbroad that I used in the title because they used her in the first Deadpool movie and I spent the entire film wondering who the heck she was to find out vie Infogalactic a week later when I remembered to look it up that they used her specifically because she was the most obscure character in the Marvel Not Cinematic Universe, so she’s one of those characters that you can use to falsely establish comic street cred by dropping into a conversation that will impress casuals and make hard core fans roll their eyes like pretty much every reference the RPG-thots make to pre-1983 TSR D&D adventures when they flash their deep and grossly tatted-up cleavage at the thirsty betas who actually waste hours watching tedious D&D Live Play videos on You Tube.  Bleh.  I’d rather watch that Rich and Morty cartoon for grown ass men who still watch cartoons, and that show sucks.)

I digress.  I’m not much of an art nerd.  Anyone who bought and read my RPG can attest to that.  I can barely tell a Sergio Aragones from a Sergio Tornero.  It looks to my phillistinian eyes to be on par with the usual first time outings, and will likely improve with time.  Little things like word bubble placement and basic blocking take a little leg stretching to hit their stride, and that’ll happen.  Vox kinda admitted as much in his response to the early negative reviews.  I ain’t gonna belabor the point.

I will say that on the plus side we get a little hot girl on hot girl action.  And we ain’t talking about the the fatties and freakazoids that Marvel likes to give us:

ladies

Meet Agualonia – a fish lady. Good at diving. Yeah, you know what Vox means.

What I do want to belabor is how Top Men told me that AltStarHero were wrong about the book’s contents.  For one thing, I was promised by people who don’t like Vox that this comic would feature nothing but strong white men as heroes.  There’s a couple, sure, but look at that hox Latina minx?  She look anti-diverse to you?  Heck, the bad guys are ALL white.  These aren’t the “alt-right is just the inverse of the SJWs” stylings people who had never read and will never read the comic told me I’d get for my money!

I think.

It’s kind of hard to tell, to be honest.  The story follows an EU superhero team who launch a crackdown on political dissidents.  Dissidents who are well armed and willing to kill the EU superheroes to escape their clutches.  They don’t come off very well in the comic.  It’s not entirely clear who the good guys are and who the bad guys are.  In fact, a Brit who salivates at the idea of selling out his nation to Merkel’s Minions could easily read this comic and sympathize with the EU superhero team.  It’s shades of gray, man.  Made me think.  And I hate that.

People who aren’t Vox Day promised me white hats and black hats and blatant alt-right hate propaganda.  That’s right in old E. Reagan Wright’s wheelhouse, baby!  As a blatant alt-right hate propagandist I was looking forward some blatant alt-right hate propaganda, and after reading Crackdown, my wheelhouse is disappointingly empty.

This is just like, a normal story.  There’s no pandering!  People who aren’t Vox Day promised me pandering!  I’m a Baby Boomer, for God’s Sake!  Pandering is what I live for!

What a gyp!

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Fandom? More Like FAGdom, amirite?

Origins, which you may remember from ten years ago as a convention that had any relevance, has officially invited and then dis-invited popular paranormal romance author Larry Corriea as Guest of Honor.  He done got Ringoed!

GAAAAY!

A lot of people like Correia’s writing.  Because that’s how low the scientifiction and phantastickal genres have fallen, and it’s literally impossible to read and appreciate the great works written before 1940 any more.  Ha ha, I’m just joking – Larry’s gift for packing 300 pages of fast and furious action into 650 page novels had endeared him to the hearts of countless gun fetishists who sleep with blue steel,  high-caliber waifus and only use gun oil as masturbation lubricant.  His recycled plots and J. K. Rowling levels of begging, borrowing, and stealing ideas from myths, legends, and lore instead of inventing his own creations are well loved by a readership for whom the only alternatives are works by over-educated and under-read dilettantes who expect big prizes because 1. not white, and 2. vajayjay!  Or worse: Hugo winners.

For some reason ($) a tabletop gaming convention invited an urban fantasy author to be the guest of honor.  For some reason, said author accepted.  Not unusual – cross branding and synergizing your market to enhance your audience Q rating just makes good business sense.  Why, I myself make it a point to accept invitations to the local AdultVideoBoothMopGuyCon every year, the better to do all that marketing jargon – what is unusual is that Larry thought the prolapsed rectums in the tabletop gaming world would actually tolerate the presence of a milktoast libertarian with mild views and the ability to not sperg out like a spastic monkey (hey, Spenser, how you doin’?) at one of their giant all-inclusive circle jerks.

This is the guy raking in millions for conning readers into coughing up real money for his second rate pastiche novels.  The guy smart enough to troll the Hugo Awards into declaring him an unclean heretic, and not fit to sit at the mega-nerd table where they eat each other’s boogers.  The guy – wait, he’s how tall? –

The Mountain That Writes (With The Blood of His Enemies)

The handsome devil with a fine fashion sense who has his finger on the nerdy pulse of genre fiction and pop culture.  How could he not have seen it coming from way up there?

It is a mystery.

Much like the race of my wife’s children.  (Rimshot.)

(Settle down, Origins attendees, I said ‘rimshot’, not ‘rimjob’.  Wipe your drool off the floor.  Or don’t – I’ll mop it up at my next shift.)

What’s not a mystery is what decent, God fearing, and America loving nerds have to do this year.  Skip Origins.  Skip Gen Con.  Let them have their inbred little clown shows.  Instead, venture outside of your usual circuit and hit up the smaller local cons that don’t seem to be run by stark raving cowards and commies (but I repeat myself).  Give North Texas RPG Con or U Con or…what the hell is a Marmalade Dog con?  Is that a furry convention where they play OSR D&D in their fursonas?  This is why we need alt-furry – to tell us whether that one is legit or run by the sorts of cringing manginas who would ban a Guest of Honor for crimethink.  Because that’s becoming pretty standard fare these days, and it looks like we’re going to need alt-conventions if we Trump voters are going to have any public place to game anymore.

Seriously, Larry, love ya – if you promise not to crush me, we can play rhyming games all you like, and I mean it…

 

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SOCIALIZM!

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Might Be Time To Lay Low

Don’t want to get Dakula-ed by the local coppers, cause I ain’t got no joking loicense, bruv.

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Sometimes tyranny comes at the hands of a tall, melty-faced tall man who looks like even he can’t believe this bullshit.  That miserable bloke on the left has got to be thinking, “Two days to retoirement, then me and the missus can holiday down to the Blackpool an’ I can go on a three day pub bendah to forget I evah stoked a reembah in this mamby jiggereedoo, whut whut?”

That’s how polite tyrants talk these days, I’m pretty sure.

On the other hand, I hear tell that if you can get used to spinners instead of dice, it’s easy to find a D&D game in prison.  I should look into that.

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“So old and young, and so gay”

That’s a quote, a description of elves, courtesy of one frequent dropper of eaves, Samwise Gamgee of Hobbiton, The Shire.

Fun For the Whole Family!

What’s the big deal here?  Elves have always been gay, Wizards is just making it official.

It’s worse than you think.  We all knew right out of the gate this change will be hamfisted, ineffective, and make the game worse.  Mearls is the Kathleen Kennedy of the RPG world.  It’s an attempt to force normal people out of the hobby – you are on board with pansexual-hoohah-edness or you can’t play at Gen Con or your friendly local, bigot!  It’s one more stab at trying to make mental illness both cool and acceptable and acceptance of sick-o’s mandatory.

Oh boy, brother, there’s another layer to this, though.

Elves are eternally young, right?

And now elves are deliberately and inescapably creatures of sexy sexuality defined entirely by their sex, right?

And this game is targeted towards kids as young as seven, right?

You see where I’m going with this.

Once you notice that everything the left produces relates in some way to normalizing sex with children (can I get a “Call Me By Your Name” witness?), you can’t stop seeing it.  Everywhere.

The unabashed support for the followers of Mohammed.  Hosting nightmarish transvestites to read to children in schools.  Arthur C. Clarke and Marion Zimmer Bradley influencing a generation of sci-fi authors.  Every piece of art in Podesta’s House of You Have a Beautiful Body and You Shouldn’t be Ashamed of It.  That naked kid that asks an owl “how many licks does it take” in that old commercial.  This thing:

We used to warn kids about this.  Remember when Mister Carlson paid a little visit to Diff’rent Strokes?  Nowadays even tabletop RPGs are being weaponized in an effort to convince you that that maybe you’re just a prude for not wanting your children to experience the majesty of some fat and hairy sci-fi loser slobbering all over their naked and trussed up bodies.

Old E. Reagan Wright is a fertile sumbitch.  He’s got enough kids to fill a D&D table, but he can’t take them with him to the local convention, can he?

No he can not.

Partly because he has a lifetime bad after a little incident involving one too many Old Fashioneds, and the the yogurt and gabagool at the traditional First Night Buffet.  But mostly because he doesn’t want them around the sorts of round folks you see at the gaming scene.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some great people at game cons, real stand-up guys and princes among nerds, but that’s because I have a gift for finding the peanuts buried in turds.  I found a bit of fun in 5th Edition D&D, after all.

Hey-O!

Seriously, though.  Don’t take your kids to Gen Con.

And if you must, don’t let them out of your sight.  These people are sick in the head, and their sickness is contagious.

 

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Really Makes You Think…

activatedAlmondsFunny how this works out, innit?

 

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How Old School D&D Protects the Second Amendment

In a recent blog post, The Mixed GM danced around a subject that all sorts of people have danced around for a good long while – even your humble host.  I’m using his post as a jumping off point and adding to his analysis.  Mixy, baby, don’t take this the wrong way.  You should take this as a compliment.  You are truly an inspiration and a delight.

Here it is. Right here.  Here’s the problem with modern D&D and the world in general:

That is all you need [to play D&D], a fair GM and non-jerk players.

You wouldn’t think that would be hard.  It didn’t used to be, but we live in modern America, and the SJW chickens are coming home to roost on a regular basis.

Oh – hi, Nikolas Cruz, graduate of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida.  You’ve got some feathers on your shoulders there, buddy.

Yes, we’re going to take a little detour into the world of real-life politics.  Unlike the SJW grave dancing in a sort of Ghost Dance to protect the world from American culture once and for all, we’re going to stand over the battered body of America and engage in a little triage – see if we can’t diagnose the problem and prescribe a bit of healing therapy.  This thought intruded on my fore-brain while reading Mixy’s post and my back-brain was churning away.  As the worst sort of edgelord and reactionary, my brain is given to making all sorts of James Damorian connections and tying together disparate events in an attempt to make sense of the idiocy that surrounds us all.

theory

My brain – all the time

Every time some neurotic teen with Mommy issues and a love of Woody Allen movies shoots up a school or movie theater, the rift between Americans and not-Americans grows a little wider.  On the one hand, the not-Americans use the event as an excuse to make America a little less American.  Their solution is always to shrug and say, “Welp, some people just can’t do civilization and liberty correctly.  Since they can’t, I guess we’ll just have to rewrite the rules and strip out all the good stuff that makes this situation unique.  If we turn this magnificent exception into the same sort of gray goo you see everywhere, then things will be sooo much better.  It’s the only way to be sure.”

 

Some people* just can’t handle liberty.

Most of those people can’t even handle the existence of liberty.  They can’t just bugger off and find a strongman to throw chains upon their own shoulders, they have to work to place the yoke upon everyone’s shoulders.

In the case of civilization, they see that “some people” can’t handle the freedom to own guns, and rather than return to that which made it possible to have a safe culture that also was a gun culture (i.e. high trust society built on cultural homogeneity), they work to rewrite the rules of the game to strictly prohibit the private ownership of firearms.  Only the guys at the very tippity-top of things should have them. The final solution in their eyes is to make everyone play a strict and hard-code of rules from which none may deviate without the express written permission of the rule writers.  They take the approach that people are terrible, and they can’t fix people, so they’ll cram them into identical little boxes, and that will make everything all better.

Sound familiar?

In much the same manner, these mental deficient just can’t handle the liberty inherent in game like the pre-1980 iterations of D&D.  They have a few bad experiences with people who aren’t equipped for an open-ended social game like D&D, and rather than work to help the world understand how to be a better role-player – through pushing for a high-trust culture of social homogeneity – they just rewrite the rules to strictly prohibit DM Adjudication.  Only the guys at the very tippity-top of things should get to decide the rules. The final solution in their eyes is to make everyone play a strict and hard-coded of rules from which none may deviate without the express written permission of the rule writers.  They take the approach that people are terrible, and they can’t fix people, so they’ll cram them into identical little boxes, and that will make everything all better.

As above, so below.

These are brain patterns we’re working with here, people.  The fake-geeks that invaded tabletop RPGs had no hope of toppling the juggernaut of American culture, so they keyed in to a few vulnerable spots.  Introduce a few cancer cells like ascending AC here, tack on a ‘muh representation’ paragraph there, and before you know it, you’ve got a full blown SJW blastocyst festering in a niche of a niche hobby.  It might not seem like much, but that kind of tumor can quick metastasize and spread throughout the culture at large and before you know it, the kids are on the street corner in black hoodies beating up trash cans and sticking it to the man by fighting for their thought-masters in academia, media, synagogues, mosques, government, international government, NGOs, fake-Christian churches, and the Pope.  And yes, in tabletop RPGs.

Save America, nerds – play Moldvay.  The future of the Republic depends on it.

*Just so we’re clear, but “those people”, I mean Democrats.

vote

What did you think I meant?  What does that say about you?

Democrats and non-Americans.  But I repeat myself.

 

 

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