Say My Name!

Yeah, it’s been quiet here around the old Chateau.  After the election, (((Mom))) found out that I’m a regular on /pol/ and grounded me off my computer.  Which is a little embarrassing given that I’m a 55 year old man.  It’s all good, it gave me time to get down to #hwndu cam and have a little fun with some buds. Also found the time to hook up with my LARP club. We have this weird club where we pretend like 1930s communists had a horrific love child with 1960s hippies, and then we go over to Berkeley and act like violent retards.  We’ve all got noodle arms and no stones, so we just bushwack normies like a bunch of flaming cowards.  It’s a strange hobby, but show me a LARP that isn’t.  Also, the pay is pretty good – surprising given who it is that’s paying us.

It also gave me more time to catch up on some reading in mein kampfy chair.  Loved Appendix N so much some of the pages are stuck together now.  Going back and re-reading some of those books that I haven’t read in decades has been re-invigorating.  It’s really made a difference in how I run my games – they have that free-wheeling attitude that you can’t get while wearing the WotC/Paizo straitjacket.  Still jonesing on Cirsova, too.  Might be a while before I can dig up the scratch for #5 and #6, but #1 and #2 are so good I’ve been re-reading them.

Also, getting thrown off Twitter has dulled my appetite for tweaking the normies.  Carrot and sticking the bizarro-world denizens who take this goofball hobby too seriously just ain’t the same on a slow-mo blog like this.

Also also, had a good run down at the local hobby shop.  Spreading the old school love, and enjoying incorporating that ooey-gooey old school goodness into my tabletop games.  Here’s just one example of what I did to:  I threw my players into a large vale where two groups of aliens were at war over a wrecked spaceship.  At one end were the Chasch and the other were the Dirdir.  The current inhabitants were generations removed from the original castaways, and didn’t know that the ‘temple’ at the top of the peak in the middle of the vale was a wrecked ship.  Legends told it was a gateway to Dirdir heaven, and the PCs were promised all the wealth of the Dirdir village if they helped.  Or they could hit the temple.  Fearing traps, (don’t we all!) they chose to launch the raid on the Chasch village, which allowed the Dirdir to sneak into the temple and escape from the planet – when they saw that ship liftoff from the mountaintop, the players realized they had made the wrong choice.  They figured they had missed out on crazy high-tech loot, and were kicking themselves.  The Dirdir village held enough loot that they didn’t feel too bad about it, though.  Even got a force lance with 50 charges out of the deal.

So, the force lance, It’s a spear and every time it hits it does an additional 1d4 damage and knocks the opponent back 10 feet.  It only uses up a charge when it hits, so it’s one of those great magic items that’s touch, but won’t last forever.

Hey!  Did you know that Trump is still the president?  Strange but deliciously true!  Turns out, you never get tired of winning.  You never get tired of pointing to the scoreboard and rubbing those SJW faces in the fact that the only argument they have left in their pocket is violence.  And as a wise man once said, “Not an argument.”   I think that was Plato.  Or maybe Molyneux.  I can never remember which of those guys is which.

BTW, if you’re really glad to see me, you can thank that Jim Fear psychopath.  He name-checked me in a recent podcast, and like old Hastur himself, saying my name causes me to appear.

Uh-boogity boo!

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Welcome, Noobs

As we dive face first into the wide spread legs of 2017 and get to lapping like a thirsty puppy, it’s time for a little introduction to lo those many new followers picked up during 2016: The Battle for the Soul of America.

This place is a couple years old, and was started before I knew the alt-right was a thing.  Way back in the grim days of B.T. (Before Trump) conservative was about the only real way to push back against the Narrativists, so I donned the persona of “The Conservative DM”.  People being what they are (read: stupid) they latched onto that label and in between fingering their own butt-holes and licking windows they’d ask, “What are you conserving?  Hyuck, hyuck!”

So I changed my handle to the Alt-Right DM.

Thus far I’ve been too lazy to change the website and all the headers to match.  Too busy with all the MAGA.  Maybe someday.  For now, though, it’s a useful memetic monkey-trap for the shortbus crowd to stick a hand inside and clench that little nut of cleverness and not let go for anything while I stride about swinging my danglers in their faces over more important matters.

Like elf games.

Hey, there’s also a heaping dose of Poe’s Law involved.  I’m half mirror held up to the Narrativists who think tabletop gaming is an appropriate place for politics.  I’m a caricature you can point them to in order to demonstrate, “See this a-hole?  That’s what you look like.”  I’m also half serious.  There’s a dire need for a GamerGate style pushback against the entryists, and the sort of mockery I hand out like the Seven Sisters universities hand out worthless degrees demoralizes the weak willed crazy-cakes that oppose me.  It’s also true that mindset is infectious – game like you live and you’ll live like you game.  Take my advice and game like a man, and it’ll put metaphorical hairs on your metaphorical chest.

Call it my own little Xanatos Gambit.  If I’m a joke, the joke’s on them.  If I’m not a joke, then I’m doing God’s work making tabletop gaming great again.  Either way is fine by me.

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Public Enemy #577

The “Freedom to Censor” crowd have drafted a list of 1,500 crimethinkers, and yours truly made the list at #577.  Yo, check it!  I’ve been blacklisted.

Do you have any idea how much it amuses me to know that my anti-Paizo and “team initiative” tirades are generating that kind of flak?  This ridiculous little account of mine might not shake the pillars of the earth, but it’s one more window overlooking Dealy Plaza that they have to keep one eye on because it might just crack open long enough to fire the figurative shot that changes the world.

dealey

I’m taking figurative aim, SJW retards.  Don’t sperg out on this one, mkay?

 

I’m going to take a little time off here for a few weeks.  Get some work done around the kibbutz, visit my Mom in prison, and probably even drop in on my parole officer a few times (if he stops acting like such a controlling jerk for like, a week or two).  You know, really get my head on straight.  And I’ll see you guys on the other side of the New Year.

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Merry Christmas, Ya Filthy Animals!

The savior is born!  Peace on earth to men of good will!

untitled

In 2017, The Alt-Right DM is coming for the rest of you bastards.

Go celebrate the birth of our savior by doing the sorts of things he did for us.  Spend too  much money on presents for others, knowing full well it will mean making sacrifices in the coming year to pay off the debt.  Feast on good food and drink the best wine you can find – just like they did at Cannae.  Enjoy your family.  Scoff at and refuse to obey decrees from dictatorships that impose heavy tax burdens on their long-suffering subjects.  Maybe even play a little D&D if that’s what tinsels your tree.

And remember that in the coming year, The Alt-Right DM will be praying that all your gaming wishes come true.

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The Twin Pillars of Garbage Gaming

Two pernicious memeplexes are conspiring to ruin tabletop gaming.  On the one hand you have players demanding DMs be stripped of their power to adjudicate, and on the other you have DMs lamenting players who refuse to follow their pre-planned story.  Both of these issues have a common cause rooted in the larger culture.  While we here at Gaming While Conservative would prefer to fix gaming as a naturally occurring consequence of fixing the larger culture in which it resides, we are forced to deal with the world as it is rather than how we wish it to be – we’re not leftists after all!  Which means that we’ll just have to fix the larger culture by fixing tabletop gaming culture instead.

paizo

Paizo: The complete collection

No rule set can ever cover every eventuality.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  All a ruleset needs to cover every eventuality is a rule that, “any situation not expressly dealt with by these rules is subject to the ruling of the DM at the table, who should – and I can’t believe I have to write this down in a game ostensibly written for people aged 12 and up – consult with players to ensure that his rulings are fair, reasonable, and consistent”.  You could include an ancillary rule that, “Players who find themselves gaming with a DM that cannot consistently issue rulings that are fair, reasonable, and consistent, should pack up their books and walk away from the table.”

Those two rules are the unspoken backbone of every tabletop game, be it D&D or some lesser iteration of the oeuvre.  They have largely gone unspoken for the same reason that no rulebook has ever decreed that players should not poop in their hands and smear the resulting diarrhea all over the gamebooks*.  What we’re talking about now is not actually a tabletop gaming thing, but an adulthood thing.  The controlling left has done such a masterful job of infantilizing the adult population that erstwhile adults don’t understand how to comport themselves with a little dignity at the tabletop.

Instead of building better DMs, the gaming companies have sought to build more programmatic rulesets expressly deisgned to hogtie DMs.  They catered to the player base that demanded the game companies do what the players themselves refused to do – rein in the admittedly all-too-common phenomenon of DMs who abuse their sacred right.  The downside of this thirty-five year old process is that it has ruined gaming.  It’s turned DMs into little more than CPUs tasked with carrying out the programming written by people who write the rulesets.  It stifles the DM at the table.  The handcuffs of rules prevents him from creating any new challenge that has not already been foreseen by a latte-drinking beardo in a nice Seattle office getting pressured by Hasbro (my least favorite bro) to sell, Sell, SELL!

Interestingly, better DMs doing their DMing as adults rather than automatons would result in a better gaming experience for players.  Given the strictures under which DMs are forced to preform, it’s no wonder that their chief complaint is players who won’t get with the program – they’ve been given programs to process and spend all their time creating instances of those programs.  The last thing they want is players running off-script.

It takes a lot of time to prepare an instance of a program.  You have to anticipate which of the rules will be needed at the table.  A DM who prepares an underwater adventure, and one bound by the official Player’s Guide Rules for Underwater Adventure, can be forgiven when the players decide instead to venture to the Cloud City of the Storm Giant King instead.  The DM has not prepared for aerial adventures.  He is not familiar enough with those rules – he spent all his boot-up time filling his RAM with underwater rules!  In a culture where players grant the DM the lee-way to wing-it, their decision would be an opportunity and a challenge, but it wouldn’t be a problem.  It would be an excuse for the DM to create something new and unexpected and wonderful and rewarding and enriching for everyone at the table.

Those poor benighted DMs playing rulesets that promise to cover all eventualities run up against the one eventuality that no ruleset can cover – players deciding to do something the DM did not expect.  It grinds the game to a halt.  That, or it forces the DM to use heavy handed tactics to force the players to follow the path he has prepared for them.  “Sorry guys, there’s a thunderstorm so you have to go to the undersea kingdom of my Mary Sue elves.  Maybe next time.”  Which is the flip-side of the first pillar.

That’s the price we pay for rulesets that handcuff DMs.  Don’t get me wrong, rulesets are a necessary starting point for every game.  You have to have that common foundation of expectations before shooting off in your own direction.  The argument that rules don’t have to cover everything is not an argument that you don’t need rules a’tall.

Which brings us back to an understanding that the two pillars of bad gaming – players handcuffing DMs and DMs shoving players down adventures that amount to pretty hallways – actually rest on the same firmament.  It’s a firmament of demands that everything in the game cater to you and damn the other side’s needs.  It’s a firmament that if it isn’t fair then it isn’t right.  It’s a firmament that instant gratification is the best gratification.  It’s a firmament that if people won’t cooperate that you can always appeal to a higher power to make them do what you want them to do.

The name of that firmament is childishness, and it’s spread from the culture at large into tabletop gaming.  For generations the leftoids who fear freedom and responsibility have suppressed all attempts to raise normal adults who can function in a world where adulthood means having the freedom to do what you want and the sense of responsibility to understand that what you want isn’t always what is best for you.  While we can hope to have but little influence in the fight to rid Hollywood and Universities and Publishing and Government and Media and now even Corporate America, we as tabletop gamers can push back against the culture by demanding that the people sitting at the gaming table engage in the freedom to experiment and exercise the responsibility to do so…uh, responsibly.

That sentence got away from me, but you know what I mean.

Don’t kid yourselves.  Gaming like an adult does not mean having whiskey on the table or rolling dice to see how well you sexed up that NPC.  It means having the freedom to do the former while exercising the maturity to avoid the latter.

 

*Though, to be fair, players could always cut out the middleman and just buy Paizo products, which have already smeared diarrhea all over every page of the gamebook.

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Still Banging the Demi-Human Drum

I’ve asked this question repeatedly, and very rarely get an answer other than, “Uh…holy shit, dude.”

Describe how playing your character race is different from playing a human character, but don’t give me stat modifiers or a physical description.

It’s amazing how the wealth of character race options in D&D has stunted the creativity of players.  Every single dad-blamed character race is the exact same at the table as every other.  Once character creation is over, very few people ever really stop to think about their race ever again.  It’s just a non-factor.

races

Diversity.  It really does make everything worse.

If you’re playing an elf, then you’d better have elfen goals and follow elfen tactics.  I know it’s hard – Peter Jackson himself couldn’t even get it right – but it’s worth doing.  If you’re playing a dwarf, make that worm of the earth bastard stubborn to the point that changing his mind is like moving mountains.  If you’re playing one of those masturbatory half-demon things, then you damn well better expect to sleep in the barn when the tavern-keep recognizes the scent of brimstone about you.  You better also be motivated by something that couldn’t possibly motivate a vanilla human (the best kind of human) – something like trying to earn your soul back from Mom and Dad (“I didn’t asked to be born damned, okay!”).

Say what you want about those half-wits who play kenders, within five minutes of watching their game you know damn well what race HIS character is.  Say what you want about that one trick pony Terry Pratchett’s right-wing-stand-in dwarfs, they acted and thought very different from the rest of the Mary Sue races that live in MarSue’s Magical Discworld of Strawmen.  You can do better than either of those hacks at your table.

Let’s try to do better out there, people, mkay?

 

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Roll To Decide How Big A Tool You Are

Critical success!
untitledThe old Alt-Right DM* keeps banging on the #TrustYourDice drum.  Far too many people out there complain that the dice won’t behave and give them the story that they want.  So why, dear reader, does your third-person-referencing host turn right around and kvetch when people look to the dice to answer every little question that arises at the table?

Even assuming that humble-brags like those that inspired the image to the left are jokes, you can’t swing a dead #dnd-cat around the Twitter-hood without some numbnuts tweeting about their roll to find out whether or not they managed to fall off the log.  The dopey rainbow haired lard-o’s out there boil every dumb little decision down to a die roll.  And then brag about how wacky the results were – it’s like a shortcut to creativity.  You know, kind of like Volo’s Guide.  (Do I detect a trend here?**)

This isn’t hard.  You’ve got a DM for a reason.  Let him do his job for a change, bub.  He’s got a lot more information at his fingertips than you do, and if you don’t like his decision then maybe sit back and wait a while.  He probably has a good reason for his decision.  If it later turns out that he’s a total expletive-verber, you can always bail on the game and find a new DM.

Why would you think he’d make decisions just to spite you, anyway?

Oh…yeah.  SJWs always project.  You never see shitlords bitching about the DM’s decision.  The SJWs can’t abide handing power over the screen because they know if they were there, that they’d abuse it.  Which means they assume the guy there now will abuse it if they give it to him.  Which means…that every new rule set that’s come out since 1980 has moved in a direction stripping the DM’s ability to make the game more interesting by stripping him of the ability to make judgement calls. WHICH MEANS that the game is worse off for everyone.

Really, people, this is a game that requires you interact with other humans.  If you have problems doing that like a normal person, maybe this isn’t the hobby for you.

Which isn’t to say that the dice can’t help when the DM doesn’t know or just doesn’t care. Hey, you’re reading words written by a guy who still uses Saint Moldvay’s Reaction Table, after all.  But let’s just leave that sort of thing as a spice to add flavor to the game instead of a default assumption, mkay?  Trust my beefy munificence, it’ll make your games so very much more tasty.

* Reminder for the newest members of the alt-right penis gallery – the blog name is just a hold over from a couple years back before the alt-right was a thing.

** Yes.  Yes I do.

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