Might Be Time To Lay Low

Don’t want to get Dakula-ed by the local coppers, cause I ain’t got no joking loicense, bruv.

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Sometimes tyranny comes at the hands of a tall, melty-faced tall man who looks like even he can’t believe this bullshit.  That miserable bloke on the left has got to be thinking, “Two days to retoirement, then me and the missus can holiday down to the Blackpool an’ I can go on a three day pub bendah to forget I evah stoked a reembah in this mamby jiggereedoo, whut whut?”

That’s how polite tyrants talk these days, I’m pretty sure.

On the other hand, I hear tell that if you can get used to spinners instead of dice, it’s easy to find a D&D game in prison.  I should look into that.

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“So old and young, and so gay”

That’s a quote, a description of elves, courtesy of one frequent dropper of eaves, Samwise Gamgee of Hobbiton, The Shire.

Fun For the Whole Family!

What’s the big deal here?  Elves have always been gay, Wizards is just making it official.

It’s worse than you think.  We all knew right out of the gate this change will be hamfisted, ineffective, and make the game worse.  Mearls is the Kathleen Kennedy of the RPG world.  It’s an attempt to force normal people out of the hobby – you are on board with pansexual-hoohah-edness or you can’t play at Gen Con or your friendly local, bigot!  It’s one more stab at trying to make mental illness both cool and acceptable and acceptance of sick-o’s mandatory.

Oh boy, brother, there’s another layer to this, though.

Elves are eternally young, right?

And now elves are deliberately and inescapably creatures of sexy sexuality defined entirely by their sex, right?

And this game is targeted towards kids as young as seven, right?

You see where I’m going with this.

Once you notice that everything the left produces relates in some way to normalizing sex with children (can I get a “Call Me By Your Name” witness?), you can’t stop seeing it.  Everywhere.

The unabashed support for the followers of Mohammed.  Hosting nightmarish transvestites to read to children in schools.  Arthur C. Clarke and Marion Zimmer Bradley influencing a generation of sci-fi authors.  Every piece of art in Podesta’s House of You Have a Beautiful Body and You Shouldn’t be Ashamed of It.  That naked kid that asks an owl “how many licks does it take” in that old commercial.  This thing:

We used to warn kids about this.  Remember when Mister Carlson paid a little visit to Diff’rent Strokes?  Nowadays even tabletop RPGs are being weaponized in an effort to convince you that that maybe you’re just a prude for not wanting your children to experience the majesty of some fat and hairy sci-fi loser slobbering all over their naked and trussed up bodies.

Old E. Reagan Wright is a fertile sumbitch.  He’s got enough kids to fill a D&D table, but he can’t take them with him to the local convention, can he?

No he can not.

Partly because he has a lifetime bad after a little incident involving one too many Old Fashioneds, and the the yogurt and gabagool at the traditional First Night Buffet.  But mostly because he doesn’t want them around the sorts of round folks you see at the gaming scene.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve met some great people at game cons, real stand-up guys and princes among nerds, but that’s because I have a gift for finding the peanuts buried in turds.  I found a bit of fun in 5th Edition D&D, after all.

Hey-O!

Seriously, though.  Don’t take your kids to Gen Con.

And if you must, don’t let them out of your sight.  These people are sick in the head, and their sickness is contagious.

 

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Really Makes You Think…

activatedAlmondsFunny how this works out, innit?

 

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How Old School D&D Protects the Second Amendment

In a recent blog post, The Mixed GM danced around a subject that all sorts of people have danced around for a good long while – even your humble host.  I’m using his post as a jumping off point and adding to his analysis.  Mixy, baby, don’t take this the wrong way.  You should take this as a compliment.  You are truly an inspiration and a delight.

Here it is. Right here.  Here’s the problem with modern D&D and the world in general:

That is all you need [to play D&D], a fair GM and non-jerk players.

You wouldn’t think that would be hard.  It didn’t used to be, but we live in modern America, and the SJW chickens are coming home to roost on a regular basis.

Oh – hi, Nikolas Cruz, graduate of Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida.  You’ve got some feathers on your shoulders there, buddy.

Yes, we’re going to take a little detour into the world of real-life politics.  Unlike the SJW grave dancing in a sort of Ghost Dance to protect the world from American culture once and for all, we’re going to stand over the battered body of America and engage in a little triage – see if we can’t diagnose the problem and prescribe a bit of healing therapy.  This thought intruded on my fore-brain while reading Mixy’s post and my back-brain was churning away.  As the worst sort of edgelord and reactionary, my brain is given to making all sorts of James Damorian connections and tying together disparate events in an attempt to make sense of the idiocy that surrounds us all.

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My brain – all the time

Every time some neurotic teen with Mommy issues and a love of Woody Allen movies shoots up a school or movie theater, the rift between Americans and not-Americans grows a little wider.  On the one hand, the not-Americans use the event as an excuse to make America a little less American.  Their solution is always to shrug and say, “Welp, some people just can’t do civilization and liberty correctly.  Since they can’t, I guess we’ll just have to rewrite the rules and strip out all the good stuff that makes this situation unique.  If we turn this magnificent exception into the same sort of gray goo you see everywhere, then things will be sooo much better.  It’s the only way to be sure.”

 

Some people* just can’t handle liberty.

Most of those people can’t even handle the existence of liberty.  They can’t just bugger off and find a strongman to throw chains upon their own shoulders, they have to work to place the yoke upon everyone’s shoulders.

In the case of civilization, they see that “some people” can’t handle the freedom to own guns, and rather than return to that which made it possible to have a safe culture that also was a gun culture (i.e. high trust society built on cultural homogeneity), they work to rewrite the rules of the game to strictly prohibit the private ownership of firearms.  Only the guys at the very tippity-top of things should have them. The final solution in their eyes is to make everyone play a strict and hard-code of rules from which none may deviate without the express written permission of the rule writers.  They take the approach that people are terrible, and they can’t fix people, so they’ll cram them into identical little boxes, and that will make everything all better.

Sound familiar?

In much the same manner, these mental deficient just can’t handle the liberty inherent in game like the pre-1980 iterations of D&D.  They have a few bad experiences with people who aren’t equipped for an open-ended social game like D&D, and rather than work to help the world understand how to be a better role-player – through pushing for a high-trust culture of social homogeneity – they just rewrite the rules to strictly prohibit DM Adjudication.  Only the guys at the very tippity-top of things should get to decide the rules. The final solution in their eyes is to make everyone play a strict and hard-coded of rules from which none may deviate without the express written permission of the rule writers.  They take the approach that people are terrible, and they can’t fix people, so they’ll cram them into identical little boxes, and that will make everything all better.

As above, so below.

These are brain patterns we’re working with here, people.  The fake-geeks that invaded tabletop RPGs had no hope of toppling the juggernaut of American culture, so they keyed in to a few vulnerable spots.  Introduce a few cancer cells like ascending AC here, tack on a ‘muh representation’ paragraph there, and before you know it, you’ve got a full blown SJW blastocyst festering in a niche of a niche hobby.  It might not seem like much, but that kind of tumor can quick metastasize and spread throughout the culture at large and before you know it, the kids are on the street corner in black hoodies beating up trash cans and sticking it to the man by fighting for their thought-masters in academia, media, synagogues, mosques, government, international government, NGOs, fake-Christian churches, and the Pope.  And yes, in tabletop RPGs.

Save America, nerds – play Moldvay.  The future of the Republic depends on it.

*Just so we’re clear, but “those people”, I mean Democrats.

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What did you think I meant?  What does that say about you?

Democrats and non-Americans.  But I repeat myself.

 

 

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Convergence: The Early Years

Hasbro’s 2017 annual earnings report is out.  Here’s what you want to know:

In addition, several other gaming brands grew, including DUNGEONS & DRAGONS…

The SJWs are going to take this and run with it.  The brand grew, Mike Mearls is the savior of modern D&D, the usual drill.  But let’s drill down into this like a prom date and see if there isn’t more to the story. The sentence above ends, after some irrelevancies with the following:

…growth in digital gaming

Yup.  Tabletop continues to die, in large part due to management’s pursuit of fad money now rather than long term stability.  There’s a metaphor in there for our entire culture.  Chase the new hot immigrant for a quick buck and easy votes now and if it leads to the wholesale destruction of our culture, hey, I got mine, suckers.  Take a look at Wizards of the Dolt’s big hit for 2017 – Tales of the Yawning Portal – it’s eating the seed corn.  It’s Ready Player One in tabletop format.  All horn, no beef.  All chrome, no muscle.  All cleavage, no motorboating.  Fourth Edition ruined the phrase “Red Box”, and Fifth Edition, recognizing that they haven’t produced a single iconic or memorable product yet, went right back to the giants of yesterday and I’m not talking about Nosnra and Grugnar.  Well, I kind of am, because Mearls wheeled them out like Bob Hope on stage in 2002, but really I’m talking about claiming the legacy of Gygax’s success even as you pander to people like this:

chult

Wakanda, The Early Years

 

If rumors are to be believed, even Magic: The Gathering has seen growth in the year that it came out in support of NAMBLA.

It’s enough to make a guy think – except that when I was diagnosed with cancer of the bodily humors, it didn’t kill me right away.  I felt great until the cancer really took hold.  Then, after a long and slow fight in which I propped up my failing systems with massive injections of unicorn blood, everything fell apart “for no reason at all!”

Patience, edgelords.  It’s what separates Real Manly Men from the savages outside of Christendom.  The poison of secular liberalism takes its time to kill the host, and often runs its course and turns on itself before it has a chance to finish the job.  You can see signs of this all over the place – C.C. D’Anastysio’s headline up there is just the tip of the blue-haired, land whale iceberg.

Just keep playing those OSR games, support Goodman Games, deny WotC your dollary-doos, and good things will come to pass.

Don’t believe me?  I’m not into comic books, but they make for one hell of a sexy 1940s Black Canary* in the coalmine. What you see playing out there is coming to tabletop RPGs, and sooner than you think.  To whit:

comics

 

*Not that heroin chic travesty of a costume on Smallville.  Pee-yew!

 

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Mentzer: One Hit Wonder

Frank Mentzer has been taking breaks from sexually harassing women, or from dodging dodgy sexual harassment accusations*, to write up a new RPG called Fairy Tale Games.  His announcements about the game are posted over on Mark Zuckerberg’s Data Mines ‘R Us, so I can’t link to them directly.  Instead, I’ll link to Tenkar’s Tavern.

In any role game you start with a character. But —
If you have stats, that produces competition for better stats.
If you have equipment, you compete for better stuff.
If you have combat to the death, that’s the ultimate competition.
Can you leave all those out and still have fun?

Nope.

I created a new game system.
It’s about storytelling, not combat.
It’s for cooperation, not competition.

mentzyEmphasis added.  There’s your thick, ropy money shot right in the old phiz.  It’s a storytelling game that drains the actual drama of clattering dice and man against setting only to replace it with…what?  A bunch of forced “Princess Bride” and “Monty Python” references, if my experience eavesdropping on storytelling games is any indication.

This is just the latest attempt to cram D&D into a gimp suit and call it a new and novel game.  If it’s not about competition and conflict then it isn’t a game – it’s a verbal masturbation exercise for failed community theater thespians tarted up in an RPG rulebook to take advantage of the supreme gullibility of the overly welcoming people within this supremely aggravating hobby.

Save your money, kids.  Buy something decent like whatever slapdash product Pundy is peddling these days.  Probably something he can use to brag about his history degree, right?

*Either way, it’s hilarious to watch yet another committed feminist ally crab getting dragged back down into the bucket by the crab infested harpies beneath him.  It’s like watching a greased pole climbing competition featuring rainbow haired harridans and soft-bellied soyboys.  Say!  There’s an idea for an RPG right there – slap some Forge style pseudo-intellectual verbiage on that and you too could have the next RPG.net darling!

 

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More On Kids and D&D

Ha ha, yesterday I forgot to wish my exes a Happy Valentines day, and all three of them got pretty mad.  They didn’t to let me see my Jewish daughter, my Latin King son, or even my hijab wearing daughter.  (I make her wear that just so that you can’t call me mean names.  Ha!  Suck on that, COMICS!).  Which meant I had a little more time than usual to think about children and D&D.

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I added some d20s in there, because I know you D&D nerds get off on that stuff.

After re-reading the lifehacker article, How to Introduce Your Kid to Dungeons & Dragons (archive link because I am having a hard time keeping track of all the clickbait sights that I don’t want to give clicks to, the list is getting unmanageable at this point), it occurred to me that perhaps I was being too harsh.

We all know that playing D&D doesn’t automatically turn people into strange, blobby autists.  I myself am quite the rugged and handsome slab of man-meat with pectoral muscles you could bounce a quarter off of and a way with the ladies that makes them swoon.  (My secret is chloroform.)  But it’s all about odds, you see.  My uncle Morty smoked a pack a day and lived to a ripe old age, but that doesn’t mean you should pull a Marlboro and market your toxic product to the chitlens.  That ginger snowboarder whose face is on more products than Star Wars, but that doesn’t negate the thousands of people paralyzed after a stunt gone wrong every year, if you know what I mean.

And being the obsessive type, the kind who spends his spare time reading D&D blogs, we all know you’re going to go ahead and press those little plastic polyhedral pieces of gaming crack into your kids’ hands.  So if you won’t scare your kids of D&D, maybe I can help you keep them a little bit safer.  Give them an RPG helmet so that they can at least hop up on the gaming bike and toddle around the Gygax neighborhood with less fear of having their cranial matter smeared across the pavement when some vapid teen girl gets a text that’s way more important than watching out for little Timmy Training Wheels.  And by “vapid teen girl” I mean Mike Mearls.  And by “text”, I mean “desperate call for attention and white knighting by blubbery SJW activists”.  And by Timmy, I mean that I intend to run this joke into the ground harder than car tires over Timmy’s careless head.

So let’s filk Kevin Makice’s terrible advice and set the record straight:

I bought my two sons the Fourth Edition starter kit for D&D, which is made of a collection of nuanced rules. The game lost my kids’ interest before their first characters could swing an axe.

Ya think?  Come on, bro.  Everybody knows you can’t start with anything published after 1980.  Maaaaybe, if you want to throw them a book so you can get back to your drinking, you can throw them a copy of Mentzer.  That guy wrote a version of D&D easy enough for SJWs to understand it.  But really, you want to go with Moldvay if you think they are going to play without you, or with Holmes if you plan on being full-time DM for the little (in my case literal) bastards.

You see, no kid can unravel Holmes – it’s beyond even Kevin’s grasp – but if you’re there to ease them into the deep end of the intellectual pool, it really is the loosest of the rulesets.  That sucker is wide open for everything you can possible think of.  When they ask to be a ninja turtle, you can wing one in there (AC bonus, d6 HP, strike as a cleric) with no real problems.  If you like vanilla – and who doesn’t? – then B/X is the way to go, especially if you’ve been a good dad and already shown them the Lord of the Rings movies before tying them to a chair for an extra special edition of “Daddy’s Play Time”.

At the time, my solution was coming up with a stripped-down version of D&D (“DnDish”) that threw out all but the most essential parts of the experience.  In doing so, I gutted the rules and only kept the crucial parts: Create a character, Roll the dice, Level up. The rest relied on our collective imagination.

He means that he built his own OSR version of D&D – another great option.  ACKS is good, as is S&S.

With the release of the Fifth Edition of Dungeons & Dragons in 2014, the official rule set now addresses some of the obstacles my family encountered trying to learn the game. However, there are still some things you can do to simplify 5E and improve the experience for your kids.

Yeah, build your own OSR game.  How can this guy claim to be a fan of a game and not know that he’s reinventing the wheel?  It’s like listening to a hockey fan who doesn’t know who Gordie Howe is, or a football fan who doesn’t know who Vince Lombardi is, or a soccer fan who doesn’t know who the gay equivalent of Gordie Howe and Vince Lombardi is.

To avoid costly reference checks, don’t play with the parts that prompt research.

Better yet, don’t play with versions of the game that require you to research during the game.  This isn’t hard, people!

In D&D, a lot of decisions are required to create your character…The quicker you can get to the first monster, the better.

Only if you are doing it wrong.  Roll 3d6 in order: no decisions.  Pick a class, pick a weapon, buy the best armor you can get away with.  Roll for your spell.  Boom – monsters!

When creating characters, it isn’t uncommon to see a bunch of low numbers and hear, “That didn’t count.” Re-rolling to get an acceptable set of high numbers guarantees your character will start strong, but playing with low scores inspires creativity.

Home slice be working on my last nerve.  Three. Dee. Six. In. Order.

The sheer breathless gall of this mouthbreater to think playing the game the way Saint Gygax intended is at all novel or even needed.  Except as an explanation of why not to play a version of the game written after 1980, with the previously noted exception of Mentzer…and maybe Allston, but nobody really plays Allston’s version – they just brag about how great it is to have one hard cover book instead of two soft covers before cracking open Moldvay or Holmes.  But still – it’s an option.

Make Leveling Up Simple

Who know who does that?  If you said Monte Cook, may God have mercy on your soul.  If you said Mike Mearls, go get an AIDS test right now.  You need it.  And you’re welcome.

Rather than deal with those nuances, I award the same points for each encounter. Every character who participates earns those points.

The worst advice in the article.  This isn’t just bad DMing, this is bad parenting.  It’s commie style role-play designed to make life easier for the DM rather than make the game matter for the kids.  If you reward everyone regardless of actions then you’ve short circuited the risk-reward cycle, and you’re teaching the little brats that they can get away with slacking off, because the tank will cover for them while they run around like an idiot wasting their heals and buffs on themselves or on sideline fighters who aren’t taking a beating to save their punk ass from the enemy.

Good luck not being a waste of digital skin in an online MMO with that attitude.

warning

I know I’m being too cynical here, but it’s for your own wife’s boyfriend’s kids’ good.  On the bright side, this article is called “introducing YOUR kid” to D&D, which is a step up.  Had this been official WotC article, it would have been called, “How to Introduce A Kid to D&D So Their Parents Don’t Find Out About Your Combination Magic: The Gathering Display Room and Basement Rape Dungeon”.

There are plenty of reasons to teach your kid D&D.  The table is a place where you can teach them about risk and reward.  You can let them roam freely in the game world in a way you can’t at a D&D convention (without fear of some creeper making passes at them).  You can even sprinkle a little cultural roots into their life by using folklore tales like Baba Yaga or Little People or Firbolgs or Odin into the game.  Logistical planning, knowing when to fight and when to run, learning how to save your GP for plate mail, all of these are skills that will serve them in good stead later in life.

But you can’t impart these valuable life lessons if you play D&D the way Kevin Makice suggests.  Play an OSR game, and play it straight, and you won’t have to fear your kids growing up to waste their life writing free D&D articles or joining some death cult like Antifa.  Metaphorically speaking, that vapid teen girl Mike Mearls will always be out there checking texts on quiet suburban roads, but at least your kids will have some thin veneer of protection between their mushy little heads and the hot, steamy blacktop.

That’s the way I roll, and my wives’ boyfriends’ kids are turning out pretty good.

Go thou and roll likewise.

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