Who Could Have Seen This Coming?

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I’m Hashamatag Sword Dream Now

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Can’t tell all youse guys how happy it makes me to finally find a sub-sub-subculture that’s as accepting as the Johnnie-Come-Latelies sponsoring this “Second Wave OSR*” that they’ve tagged “Sword Dream”.  Bear in mind that the first wave of OSR was using old school rules as written.  The second wave OSR was writing new rulesets that mimicked, honored, streamlined, or paid homage to those original sets.  The third wave was whatever lamprey-like leeching off Saint Gygax the RPGPundit is doing these days.   Which makes the #SwordDream, complete with the fashtag prominently displayed up front thankyeverymuch, the SECOND second wave of the OSR.

What can you expect from a bunch of political activists who came into the hobby with the Adventure Zone normie wave.  They know nothing about tabletop gaming expect what they’ve passively consumed on the YouseTubes.  They know nothing about the history of the OSR, and they don’t really need to when they can just re-write history to suit their own needs.  The past is a foreign country, and not one filled with glorious street-poopers and woman beaters and layabouts that might Vibrantize America – it’s one filled with forthright and upstanding men of iron who need to be erased to make room for the heroic transvestites and sodomites and Hultgreen-Earhart that did the real heavy lifting of crashing the planes of civilization into things.

sword2.pngIt’s great to hear the latest gaming bowel movement is an open community movement.  Count me in!  After two of my online alts had their YouseTubes vidyas shut down in the Adpocalypse Two Point Oh-No! I’ve been feeling pretty left out.  To help, I even made this perfectly suitable new logo for this latest tabletop gaming enema.  I even made sure to make it Woke Capitalism Approved for the anti-Capitalists out there.

You know me, I’m really sensitive when it comes to Sodomites and Gamorrans.

So what does all this mean?  A lot of chest thumping of both the strapped-down and the hormonally enhanced variety with not a whole lot to show for it.  The Fashtag Sword Dream isn’t about tabletop gaming, it’s about signaling your in-group preferences and reassuring the rest of the cult that you do, you do, you do believe in fairies.  And boy when it comes to big talk and no action, you’ve come to the right place.  I’ve got a lot of plans to write the quintessential “Fashtag Sword Dream” Second-2nd Wave ruleset complete with all the poz one man can muster.  It’s got the sacred acronym right there on the cover and everything!

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Whatchythinkin’ bout?

Honestly, it’s all so transparent at this point. A lot of anger and Mean Girls in-out relationship drama that won’t amount to anything. A year from now no one will remember this Sword Dream thing as the easily distracted crabs scuttle on back into the surf to lurk near the sewage treatment plant outfall.

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Happy Abstract Art Appreciation Day!

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How Could This Have Happened?

How? I ask again.  How?

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Untitled2Set aside Big Chief Whine-a-muck’s central point for a moment.  A pre-Columbus supplement for D&D would be badass.  A wild and untamed land filled with savages and spirits and constantly warring tribes?   With the occasional off-shore raiding party delivering bands of long-haired berzerkers from the cold north or iron armored Moloch-fellaters from North Africa?  Desert dwelling cannibals riding through every time there’s an eclipse?  Lost cities of gold?  Burial mounds from long-lost civilizations scattered all over the place?  That tricksy little minx Coyote running around?

Who wouldn’t love to read that?

Hell, I’d pay a crate of firewater for that!  Probably even throw in a thick stack of blankets at no charge.

 

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BlogSpot, Maybe?

I mean, I guess if they’re going to pull these shenanigans:

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Then we need a better plan that, just like, whatever man.

I do control gamingwhileconservative.blogspot.com.  If you come HERE and get that message, I’ll post something THERE to let you know what the new plan is.  Probably hand mimeographed rants sold for a dollar over at Grant Park.  It’s lovely this time of year.

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Coming soon to a blog near you!

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Christian D&D

That depends on what you mean by the word “Christian”, now doesn’t it?

Take a deep breath.  Relax.  Free your mind from the shackles of the shekelers.  Take a big step backwards and unlearn what you’ve learned.

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Oh.  Let me summarize the Narrative so you know what to stop knowing:

“First there was D&D and it was played by shaggy losers who used it to summon devils and one did drugs and died in a tunnel or something.  So the Christian Fundamentalists decided it was totes evil for even mentioning devils but now that we’ve freed the game from its horrible Christian influences by allowing gay orc female paladins it’s finally a force for diversity.”

Or something like that.  None of it makes any sense, but revisionist history never does.  Instead, take a look at the rules.  Looked at how the Christian understanding of the cosmos is baked right into the cake.  It goes deeper than spells that mimic biblical miracles like sticks to snakes or create food or water into wine or turn sodomites into pillars of salt*.  Look at the core conceit of the universe – the constant battle between good and evil.  Look at the inclusion of demons and devils as inimical to health and life.  Look at how kobolds and goblins are really just little devils with tiny power levels.  Look at how clerics and paladins work.

Of course, the game is a daughter of many mothers, which cheerfully steals from the ancient and the classical world to weave together a magic tapestry that touched people so profoundly that it swept like a wave across America in a few short years.  It was a grand and glorious hobby that celebrated everything bright and noble from the slaughter of heathens to the murder of demons.  Players thought, “I want to be Roland.  I want to be Charlemagne.  I want to quest for the metaphorical Holy Grail.”  Nobody ever wanted to be the usurer or the jihadi.  The closest anyone came was wanting to game in the sanitized and westernized version (read: without all the catamites and sodomy) of the Thousand And One Nights.

And it was good.

Just look at how Western it is in thought and play.  That, like Christianity, is a virtue.

Which is why the Narrativists had to infect it with their memetic viral payload and turn it into post-modern meaningless gray goo.

Immortal, soulless elves are a costume work for that +2 DEX bonus.  Paladins can serve just, like, whatever, man.  The Defenders of Faith gleefully swap their heal prowess for damage spells.  They serve themselves first, and not some higher power.

The heroism is gone.  The bright line distinctions between right and wrong, between good and evil, have been replaced by situational ethics and sliding scale subjective morality where the only thing verboten is failing to bow down to diversity and perversion.  Even alignment has been reduced to, at best, a patch one wears to signal some passing affinity for a personality type, but it carries no weight.  No meaning.  It’s just a vestigial organ with no real purpose in the game.

And it’s all because the game turned its back on its Christian roots.

Go ahead and give the Appendix N books a perusal and you’ll see what I mean.  Three Hearts and Three LionsThe High Crusade.  John Carter. Changeling Earth.

JRR Mutha-Humpin Tolkien.

And it’s this last that I would turn your attention to as a guide to follow in injecting Christianity back into your games.

You don’t have to go full retard with it. You don’t have to make your goblins long-nosed bankers.  You don’t have to make your priests all mendicants.  You don’t have to require followers specifically don the cross and pray to the Virgin Mary.  Hell, you don’t even have to go the Throne of Bones method and implement a thinly-veiled church with the serial numbers scraped off and new ones stamped over them.

I mean, you could.  You could get your hands on the green cover Crusader Handbook.  and there’s always Lion and Dragon if you want to give the authentic medieval D&D a shot.  Not my bag, but it’s damn sight better than what passes for D&D coming out of the Pacific Northwest.

Instead, let the Christianity suffuse your games in subtle ways, as Tolkien did in Middle-Earth.

Understand that the mere act of descending into the underworld to do battle against the forces of raw chaos, murderizing everything unnatural and unwholesome, and moving on to the next town to repeat the process, IS IN ITSELF A CHRISTIAN ACT OF DEFIANCE AGAINST MODERN HERESIES.

That’s why the Fake D&D players hate that style of play.

Traditional D&D is traditionally Christian.  Even when it doesn’t make the sign of the cross.

Keep that in mind when faced with the spiritually empty wares on offer with modern D&D.  Bring Christ to your table, and literally vaya con dios.

You’ll find your games richer.  Your excitement greater.  And your successes sweeter.  You’ll also stand taller, make more money, and the pretty girls will notice you and ask you to brush the sweet-tart crumbs out of your beard.

Better than all that, the change in your attitude – in your approach to the game – will help make you a better person.

Even better than all that, it’ll help you get into heaven where you’ll never have to hear another word from Sandwich Girl or Ironic 70s Cowgirl or the Soyking his Critical Role Butt Bandits ever again.

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Maybe D&D Was A Mistake

Sometimes you stumble across a thread too perfect for words.

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They should have sent a poet.

Oh wait, they did – that’s my job!  I’m a poet and didn’t realize it.

First of all, you can probably guess what the reaction of the little hat crowd was. I’m saving that for last.  I’m also skipping the usual litany intoned by rote from the dunces in the Atheist Cult, because it’s as boring as it is predictable.  We’d get more fun and originality out of a the table notes from a Junior High Lunchroom campaign than reading anything from those godless losers.

A few Real D&D players make an effort to engage.  One clever wag posted the “Crusades” green book handbook to help educate the Fake D&D crowd and remind them of the game’s Christian roots and suitability for gaming in Christian lands.  They know so little, those who talk so much.  Here’s an example of Team Good tilting a the windmills of heathen ignorance:

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Every war against pagans is a holy war.  And the use of the word “plotline” is a tell that Jack here is one of those failed and frustrated novelists using D&D as a surrogate mother for his narrative flipper-babies.

Worth noting that nobody has anything to add about adding Mohammedism to the table.  Buncha cowards, the lot of them.  Hell, adding the Aloha Snackbar to the Deities and Demigods book would be worth the price of admission just for the illustration alone.  But no, Mister Thorson there, that brave and bold bastion of iconoclasming – complete with the virtuous signal of pronouns in his bio – has lines he just won’t cross.

To be fair, there is one mention of the Spontaneous Combustion Brigade:

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Thereyougo.exe.

Christian persecution around the globe is at near-genocidal levels so stark that even the BBC can’t avoid talking about it.  The tiny hats represent half of the one-percent and control a fifth of the Senate.  The press agrees that Mohamheads are the real victims when one of them blows up a churches, and they are the only ones who get to veto poisoning children’s heads with sex-talk and tranny love.  That’s some mighty fine marginalization you got there.

And Jack Gay-ham is more than willing to bend over and beg for some sweet goat-style loving rather than risk suffering the indignity of a Fake American deigning to sneer at him while pooping in the street.  Yes, it’s not clear which one is fertilizing the sidewalk in this scenario – Jacky there won’t be happy until the only ones capable of maintaining flush toilets are gone and his last refuge of virtue signaling becomes watching his wife’s boyfriend’s kids forced to wear hijabs or turn catamite.  Guy’s probably excited at the prospect of his gross misunderstanding of what it means to participate in the jizz-ya.

Thor would be so proud of this heroic LARPer.  Well, he would be if we Christians hadn’t killed him, cut down his trees, and gave his wheels to Saint Nick to use as a child’s toy delivery service.  No wonder the Valkyries are gay now if this is the warriors they have to choose from.

And now it’s time.  Buckle up, buckaroos.  Let’s check in on what everyone’s favorite tribe has to say about incorporating real world religions into your fantasy tabletop game:

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Anybody got a feather?  Toss it at me, and you could knock me over.  I’m dead now, from a heart attack caused by surprise that the special people want special treatment.  This post is being written by my ghost.

My follow-up post, about how D&D really only makes sense with the genuine Christian patina, will also be written by my ghost.  Pour a forty of Mountain Dew on the curb for me, lads.

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