Oi! Yer coppers got nerfin’ on me!
Arkhaven drops another issue, the sixth so far for we happy comickal book fans smart enough not to go all in on Diversity and Cuck-mics. This here Freestartr (pour a Mountain Dew forty on the curb) project just keeps grinding out page after page of content, it’s up to 120 already if my math checks out, for like five quid instead of the twenty-five American smackeroos for 120 page plus owning the libs Richard “We all know what the C stands for” Meyers charges for his titles. Twentyfive bucks is only like 18 in real money, but add in that international shipping for the title and you’re talking about some serious pastel portraits of the Queen, God Save ‘Er.
Plus, you have to deal with the whole virtue signaling thing that Dicky Mymy has going on there. Seriously, bruv, this schtick never works. Check this groveling out:
Woof. That ain’t no “Get Out of Fake Media Jail Free” card, that’s a big white flag of surrender. Might as well slather yourself in greased molasses, truss yourself up, and spit roast yourself in front of Gail Simone’s concrete reinforced front steps. That gal salivates over signs of weakness in her prey like this as bad as she salivates over literally anything actually edible. I’m not saying she’s fat, I’m just making a lot of sly references to her obesity because its funny, and I have to do it now because her poor overtaxed heart means she won’t be around long. I mean, she’ll be a round, if you follow me, but not for long. The good news is, her cats will survive being locked up in her apartment with her corpse for a loooooong time after her death, if you follow me.
Psst, Dicky See My Ire? Let you in on a little secret: It ain’t gonna work. The only reason you pulled a Houdini after your “Comedy” Central bit is that you stuck to your guns, doubled down, and embraced the suck. Embracing the cuck will have the opposite effect. Enjoy the dogpile, you earned it.
We’re not here to talk about Ironic Sights, we’re here to talk about the Legend Chuck Dixon’s Avalon, which descended from the heavens to bequeath us with the gift of a second glorious issue, and what an issue it is! No real eye candy, so that sucks, but my waifu pillow is grateful that she’ll get a few extra tender ministrations until the next Alt(Star)Hero title drops. We see that gimp-suited broad ice a crooked alderman and meet a cop tasked with hunting her down.
A black cop. In an alt-right comic. A sympathetic one who ain’t stupid no less. I was assured by Top Reporters that wouldn’t happen. Soldiering on through the pain and misery of that little hiccup –
Black and Blue Lives Matter and Don’t Matter! *raises fist, takes knee, salutes flag, and helps me recover my stolen stereo from Dante down the block *
-we finally get to the thick, throbbing meat of the issue, a disagreement between Real Hero King Ace and Grubby Vigilante Fazer. In the middle of a set piece battle they have a falling out about whether or not you can steal stolen money from the bad guys they are putting out of business. Russian bad guys! Come on! As a dedicated member of the alt-right who clearly loves the Putin and who serves part time as a robot on the tweeter site, I’m supposed to root for Russian interference, and The Legend gives me Russian mobbed up villains? I am confuse. So much bewilder. Perplexed to max.
Having shown his true colors – red, white, and blue – King Ace gets an invite from the Superhero Protection Unit Dudes (SPUD) in the form of a final splash page that features a second whole African-American, and one that gives me the Milo’s deep down in my shallow loins. Big Simba can burn my Uncle Scar in a fire anytime.
The art in Avalon, but some bloke name of Frank Fosco, has a dirty, low down quality to it that feels right. This seems like a more street-level title than the bigger, glossier Alt(Star)Hero mainline, both in production and art, and it works. These guys don’t fight on bridges in broad daylight, they skulk about in dank alleys, like me. They get grief from their slumlord about rent, like me. They wear glossy black gimp suits, like me. I guess what I’m saying is that these characters like me.
This issue also feels like it packs the most content. It’s a tight story that introduces several new characters, spends enough time with the central King Ace v. Fazer relationship breakdown, and resolves that big story arc, all in the space of 20 pages. That’s some tight writing. You know who could learn from writing like that?
Go buy it, especially if you’re one of those homos that plays supers RPGs. It’s a great inspiration for your campaigns. Sweet-ass powers, sweet ass, powers…it’s got everything