Almost everything wrong with Girl D&D in a single tweet:
One – the DM should not tell stories. He is a situational developer that adjudicates the resultant chaos when he turns his players loose on the terrain he has sculpted. The story comes from the variable that the PCs introduce to a stable, or even a meta-stable, situation. If you are a DM who sees himself as a storyteller, do the world a favor but doesn’t want to log the long hours of ass-in-seat to actually write up the story you want to tell, do the world a favor and drink a nice vodka-bleach martini tonight rather than inflict your half-assed laziness on a group of suspecting players.
Two – the default assumption of “ha ha, I am a mess, look at all my neuroses” isn’t funny when (((they))) do it, and it isn’t funny when I do it, and it isn’t funny when you, dear tender and alert and unhygienic reader, do it either. If you’re pouring that much of yourself into your characters then you are playing elf games WRONG. You’re not just playing the games wrong, you are the president for life of Planet Wrongsylvania, and you are still too wrong for that beautiful world. You should ascend to a higher plane of wrongness and leave all of us right-thinkers here to wallow in our rightness without your pitiful bleating.
Three – SEVENTEEN THOUSAND LIKES. There are more than seventeen thousand of you pathetic slobs out there. You degenerates have turned the greatest game ever written into the world’s biggest pity-party. Why can’t you just be normal? Why can’t you just be happy? Why can’t you just go find another hobby to ruin? I don’t care how many units of 5e have moved, if it is attracting this kind of new fan to the brand, then it’s a bigger failure than 4e – and I don’t say that lightly. At least 4e drove dead weight out of the hobby. Sucking in the grease-trap players of the world the way 5e does is a level drain attack to 4e’s mere HP dealing damage.
It’s pathetic. Suck up, man up, clean your room and take your pills, and start listening to Secular Humanism’s Lobster Jesus. Stop being the the captain of the destroyer Laffable. Stop being the chief engineer of the submarine Clagammamore, or the best pilot on the aircraft carrier Dorktown and listen to Jordan Peter(heh)son or whatever his name is. He is a master of elevating dregs to mediocrity and locking them into a lifetime in the gamma ‘hood, but that’s at least a step up from being the sort of person to laugh at that tweet.