Shitlord: Now Available In Cheap Collector’s Edition

Wright-SLORD CoverThe collector’s edition of Shitlord: The Triggerering is now available through Lulu.  This brand new edition comes with included errata and a fancy gold bordered cover, available exclusively in this reduced price PDF format.  Apparently $14.88 is too rich a price to pay for the alt-right, they’d rather pay less for an OSR game written by some oversea foreigners.

Now you can get your own portable copy suitable for just $1.99.  Skip a coffee flavored milkshake for once and invest in yourself.  Buy a book chock full of laughter suitable for reading on your mobile device by punching this button right here  –>  Support independent publishing: Buy this e-book on Lulu.

And remember, kids!  Shitlord: The Triggerifying has everything you need to start your war against the Cult of the Blood Moon today!

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What Madness Is This?

You filthy whores with your #diceshaming hashtag should be ashamed of yourselves.  You deserve your story telling circlejerks where you already know the answers and your pre-mapped character path proceeds exactly as planned with nary a hitch nor deviation.  Everybody survives, everybody wins, and no excitement or drama is allowed to show it’s face.

You don’t deserve the light of Kek to shine upon you.

spurdo1What’s Pepe have to do with all this?

Pepe, as we all know is an avatar of the ancient Egyptian frog god, Kek.  One of Kek’s domains was that of chaos.  More specifically, he is the light bringer that delivers order from the raw stuff of chaos.  Just like your dice.

They know, people.  They know.

When you drop that little piece of plastic, it taps into the raw primordial plane of probability and possibility, and from that soup it draws forth information of vital import to your game.  It’s not just a shiny accoutrement, it’s a conduit of creation.  It reaches out into the void and chooses the one path among many that will guide your character to his proper end.

Ignore it at your peril.

Don’t lament those times when it’s wisdom gifts you with a result you did not hope for.  Instead, be grateful that it opened a door that you did not expect and led you down a path both dark and mysterious.  Watch and interpret it’s patterns, and whole new vistas of reality will open up before your very eyes.

Take a lesson from this spaz:

untitled

This die has saved you!  That enemy was not meant to die.  His tale was not ended, and you would have done well to parley, trade, or intimidate that enemy.  You did not expect this perhaps, but it. Was. Meant. To. Be.  And for a reason.  That reason is for you to discover with the aid of your DM, but is there or the dice would not have led you to that point.

If you do not trust the dice, why do you play games with them?

Perhaps you do not trust the Alt-Right DM.  Then you would not play games with him, no?

There are many games that do not use dice.  Those gay storytelling circlejerk games, Chutes and Ladders, Stratego, Diplomacy, and at least three others.  You may want to try one of those.

But if you play with the dice, you must trust them.  You must listen to them.

And whatever you do, do not shame them.

For Kek is not a kind God, and his retribution is a terrible swift sword.  Even the mightiest fall before it:

zr3zm5ytaykx

 

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Boom

It is done.  May God have mercy on my soul.

Shitlord: The Triggering

I need to do a full reformat to get this bastard into EPUB shape.  Right now it’s built for print.  Soon a lower cost and more readily accessible alternative will be available for all and sundry.

soon

 

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Rejected. By Nerds of all People!

It’s official.  DriveThruRPG won’t publish Shitlord: The Triggering as originally conceived by me, the artist.  Gut reaction:

whore2

Ha, ha!  I keed because I love.  DriveThruRPG has serious reservations about the numerous (and hilarious) personal attacks listed in the dedications page, and also sprinkled liberally throughout the text of Shitlord: The Triggering.  They haven’t turned the work down so much as requested that I remove attacks on other authors, publishers, and titles.  Paragraphs such as the following must be removed before the work is resubmitted:

That may sound hyperbolic, but take a look at Blue Rose, Maid RPG, or the upcoming The Watch. Don’t stare too long into the abyss of stupidity, lest it consume your soul. This game is a satirical response to The Watch, in particular, with its explicit rule of, “If you do anything I don’t like, then I get to arbitrarily punish you in game. After the game is over I will lecture you about what a troglodyte you are for not being a mind reader and for not completing surrendering to the children’s view of the world that I possess by dint of having a vagina and not having two brain cells to rub together. Won’t that be fun?”

This paragraph, though brilliant, well written, and entirely accurate does not rise to the level of quality demanded by DriveThruRPG.  My work as intended might sully the good name of such titles as Tournament of Rapists, Crack Whore, and that supplement for d20 Modern that encourages characters to violently defend abortion factories like Planned Parenthood clinics (but I repeat myself).

Le sigh.  We artistes are never appreciated in our time.

But that’s okay!  Now I know how Mel Brooks always felt; however, unlike the man behind Blazing Saddles and History of the World, Part 1, the Alt Right DM ain’t above a little selling out if that’s what it takes to expose himself to innocent people.

That came out wrong (heh).

Okay, that was yet another innuendo.  I’ll stop.

What I meant to say is that the Alt-Right DM ain’t above selling out if that’s what it takes to market his masterpiece work of RPG art to the masses.

So it’s back to the drawing board for some hard core trimming to get this thing past the censors.  This might take a few days.  Then we’ll release the original version as an ‘Unrated Collector’s Edition’ and milk you saps for…er, I mean, give the hard core fans a little extra service.  That’s how you turn that frown upside-down, make lemonade during a lemon party, and make beautiful dress out of the skin of fat chicks.

 

 

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Lighten Up, Veruca

It’s coming.  DriveThruRPG is just taking longer than normal to process Shitlord: The Triggering, because they want to bask in the warm glow of its majesty, unsullied by the gape mouthed approval of the masses.

coming-soon

Meanwhile, here’s an excerpt to whet your whistle and help keep your grubby little mitts off my nut busters:

What is a role-playing game?

Seriously? You downloaded a role-playing game without knowing what it is?  Those Nigerian princes must love you.  Tell you what, do us all a favor, delete this file, and go play a game that’s more your speed.  Probably something involving chutes, ladders, underfed hippos, or real estate transactions.

Yeah, but what’s the deal with this one?

It’s an OSR retro-clone.  That gets into the master’s level understanding RPGs, so let’s cover what that means real quick like.  The bare bones rules of this game are based on the grand master, original, big daddy role-playing game of them all.  We both know what it’s called, but the broke-ass authors of this game can’t risk involving any lawyers, so let’s just call it or D-and-or-D, or Dandy for short.  If you know how to play any version of Dandy, you pretty much already know how to play this one.

As you’ll see in the brief rewrite of the rules, Shitlord: The Triggering, is pretty much like every other Dandy clone out there.  It’s got six stats, you roll a d20* (if you don’t know what that means, see “What is a role-playing game”, above,) to see if you hit, roll some damage, collect the loot, and level up your dude for kewl new powerz.  As with every other game you play, they provide a framework that you’re going to half-use, half-ignore, half bullshit your way through, but they at least give you something to start with.  You’re going to want to stick to the six stats, armor, hit points, and basic combat framework, but your players are Shitlords who ignore the rules they’re supposed to live by in the real world, don’t expect them to do any different in the fantasy world.   Just make sure everybody has a basic understanding of what to expect, and don’t be a total dick about when you change things or your player’s are going to bail on you and you’ll be back to masturbating alone to anime for the rest of the night.

At least we hope you’re alone when you do that.

 Never let it be said thatThe Alt Right DM is ungenerous.  Here’s another little taste of the good stuff:

Bullshit

The beating heart of this game is bullshit.  It’s the raw essence of life and matter.  Life creates it, makes it grow.  Bullshit surrounds us and binds us.  Luminous beings are our characters, not this crude matter.  You must feel the Bullshit around you.  Characters that can feel and produce Bullshit by way of force of their intellect and will can work miracles, magic, sorcery, and perhaps even make gender studies majors look attractive.

Bullshitters are those who can tap into the flow of energy and power and bend it to their will.  Using arcane formulae built on the complex laws of what the unlearned call magic, the Bullshiter can perform feats of astonishing power.  Researching, cribbing, and stealing the formulae, gestures, and words of power, they spend years of study to understand the seccrets of the universe.  Some Bullshitters, rather than spend years of study and research, take a shorter and more difficult path to power.  They seek to learn from those who have gone before, and risk death at the hands of monsters by plumbing dank and dangerous places, wet and smelly holes which more cautious men avoid.  Or they prize the secrets from powerful women by again, plumbing dank and dangerous places, wet and smelly holes which more cautious men avoid.  This game is primarily concerned with the former method, but the latter may occur from time to time.  Bullshitters who take the latter path should keep an Acolyte of Harambe handy for regular applications of cure disease, if you know what I’m saying.  STDs.  I’m talking about STDs.

Once a Bullshitter gets his dainty and callous free hands on a written source of power, one of the ancient texts or scrolls revealing the secrets of the universe, he (or she (is this joke old yet?)) must use a spell (Read Magic) just to read the unfamiliar magical incantation. To an untrained eye, the information in a spellbook is utter nonsense, the letters almost seem to move at the corner of the eye and the words are disturbing to the mind, the visual counterpart to fingernails dragging across a slate.  It’s a lot like reading an article at Salon.com.

 If you like that, there’s another hundred pages just like it winding its way through the bureaucratic shuffle.  Once it erupts, bloody and dancing with straw hat and cane from the belly of DriveThruRPG, singing an Al Jolson tune all over your face, your life will never be the same.  That’s right, kids!  All this and so much more just like it can be yours for the low, low price of Pay What You Want.  Just know that whatever you wind up paying for this will only encourage me to write more stuff, so think long and hard before running off to Daddy Salt for a huge cash infusion into the trust fund that keeps you writing RPGs for…”a living” (wink).

The fate of the world depends on you!

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Shocking News From EnWorld!

The RPG community was recently stunned by the shocking revelation that people still visit EnWorld.

EnWorldWhen asked for comment, several attendees stopped cluttering up their twitter feeds with pictures of fat nerdy chicks in ill-conceived skimpy costumes to respond, “The hell?  Why would anyone get RPG information from a forum?  Do they need to update their links on their Myspace page or something?”  They then snort-laughed and shoved their taped glasses to the bridge of their nose with one delicate finger.

RPG Hero Tenkar of Tenkars Tavern – one of those places for solid RPG info presented in a format that isn’t a decade out of date – recently reported that  EnWorld’s Sean “Me Ruv You Rong Time!” Fannon has as much as admitted that, “it’s a fine, fuzzy line between news, promotion, and outright advertising”.  Except for, you know, all those laws and regulations that require content providers, news sources, and reviewers to make a clear distinction between those things.

Now, this post isn’t meant to beat up on Sean “No Brack Snake” Fannon – his pimp charges extra for the rough stuff – so much as it is an excuse to make it clear that the Alt-Right DM has never and will never taken any cash for any of his recommendations.  Oh sure, he’d take a free product or two as a review copy, but…

You did see the part where I’m the Alt-Right DM, right?  A yuuuge part of the alt-right is accepting truth, even when said truth is uncomfortable or accepting that truth means an ignominious ouster from the a public square that prefers pretty little lies to God’s honest truth.  You think we all like the implications of Human Biodiversity or the fact that decades of accommodating outsiders who refuse to check their tribal identity at the porous borders?  Heck no!  We’d love to live a comfortable life like the rest of the sleepy eyed cuckservatives, forever snuggled up tight and clutching our suicidal principles like good little tools of the Rothschilds.  That’d be pretty sweet, but we love the truth more than comfort.

And that, to bring this tangent back around to the circle, is why any review you read on this blog – good or bad – will be the truth as the Alt-Right DM sees it.  Oh, and every time you read a review here, the Alt-Right DM will make it plain and clear exactly what he got from whom, so you can decide for yourself if your host’s views are tainted.

The Alt-Right DM will also clearly indicate when he ever receives payments from a company to serve as their spokes hole.  He may be a sell-out (and a cheap one, too – nudge nudge), but he’s an honest sell-out.

He will even tell you that he has a vested financial interest when he shills for Shitlord: The Triggering (coming soon!), the greatest steaming pile of RPG product ever pinched out on the lawn. Not that he should have to, his name is right there on the cover, after all.  If you don’t have brain cells enough to figure out that he’s whoring for his own product, then maybe you’d be more comfortable looking at this picture of a cat with a birthday cake:

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Shitlord: The Triggering

Wright-SLORD Cover

Behold the face of madness!

Brace yourself against something sturdy, because a gale force wind of awesome is heading your way.  Shitlord: The Triggering is a pair of 44DD sweaterpuppies stuffed into a 34A sized bra.  This OSR compatible fantasy RPG is ripped straight from the digital headlines and features not just swords, not just sorcery, but swords and sorcery!  That’s two genres in one!  Written for the discerning basement dwelling loser, it contains everything you need to set-up, run, and play a cheap knock-off of the original and best RPG ever designed.

The image to the left passed through my conscience a few week back, and the keks lodged there in my gray matter like blastocysts of pure concentrated degeneracy.  They wouldn’t let go until I’d carried the little monsters to term, then lay on a table as they fought to be the lone survivor clawing its way out of my stomach, and ruining a perfectly good meal to say nothing of a clean white XXXL t-shirt in the process.

You know what this is.  It’s a satire.  A response to the nitwitted notion that RPGs are art that can, should, and must elevate the discourse and vehicle by which the enlightened few can civilize the savage barbarians.  This is an educational tool, a flip of the script, designed to illustrate what hambellied writers who inject hamfisted libtardian nonsense into the realm of tabletop gaming look like to honest and decent elf-game players everywhere.

It ain’t pretty.  In the case of this funhouse mirror, that’s by design.

Oddly enough, it is a playable game complete with a heavy-handed allegorical campaign setting.  More than that, it’s a damn funny game written with a strong voice that skewers not just leftist idiocy but the gaming scene in general.  Even as my Dorito stained fingers mash at this over-sized keyboard, the good folks at DriveThruRPG are carefully considering whether they really want to be a part of this crime against God, humanity, and nature.  If they, in their infinite censorial wisdom decline to share in the glory that is Shitlord: The Triggering, fear not!

The world will not be denied my genius! In such an unlikely event, then I will have my mom drive me down to the local Kinko’s and have her pay to print up a dozen copies that I will sell to the nice people down at the intersection of King and Queen Streets after they give me a dollar for squeegeeing their windshield.

Maybe then the voices will stop.

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