Ultimate Victim: An Excerpt

You know how we’re waiting to learn how much Uncanning Magazine is going to pay me for the honor of my gracing their pages with the very first adventure of Ultimate Hero, my super-duper-heroic SJW?  Well, I’ve just put the finishing douches on the second and third installments.  Not only that, but I’ve got a cover prepped as well.  The gabbers have seen it already, but here it is you for degenerates:

UltimateV-Small

You can’t have message fic without a mess.

And now, without further ado, here’s a breif excerpt from the continuing adventures of Ultimate Victim:

I heaved myself up from Mayor Echoes’ leather sofa with a wet tearing noise.  “Exactly what kind of video games am I looking for?”

“The kind with buried messages of patriarchal rule and misogynistic undertones, naturally,” she scoffed.  “We know of two so far.  In the first the player pilots a white ship, naturally, and hides behind a series of walls shooting at aliens who are just trying to set foot on the land that he probably stole from their ancestors – a clear piece of propaganda designed to instill fear of immigrants and a love of walls in the player.  We can’t have that – people might want walls around this country.”  She scoffed, “What do they think this is, Israel?”

“Goddess damned walls,” I muttered enthusiastically.  “Whichever cis-het white man invented those should be made to choose End of Life Care.  What good have walls ever done anyone?”  I crossed my arms and leaned against the flat horizontal structure into which the door to her office had been installed.

“Just so,” Mayor Echoes said, adjusting a framed Soviet propaganda poster that hung on the thing holding up the ceiling of her office.  “The other one features a yellow man in all of his white-privilege glory gobbling up all of the resources on the screen, and he steals them from the ghosts of the people of color that this man genocides.  Normally scared, the yellow becomes brave and capable of stopping the ghosts of color if he ingests a White Power pill.”

“My Goddess,” I cried.  The audacity and the hatefulness of that image made me weak in the knees, and I had to sit down in my scooter.  “It’s clear the message they were sending with that game.”

“You see now how serious this situation is,” Mayor Echoes said, going back to her accounting ledger.  “See to it – I know if anyone can unearth the horrific source of these scourges, it’s you.  Nobody can root out problematic situations in this otherwise perfect utopia like you, Ultimate Victim.”

“Don’t worry,” I told the Mayor, “They haven’t made a situation yet that I can’t find a problem in.  I’m on the case!”

So good, right?  You’ll have to wait for Uncanning Magazine to read the whole thing, because I can’t publish the trilogy until after they publish the origin story.  Hollywood knows you can’t have a super-dee-duper-hero story without an origin.  You HAVE to have a character arc or audiences will burn down your gated community, and my character has lots of arcs!  Look at that cover – she’s nothing BUT arcs!

Peaches and cream!

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It’s Uncanny

Guys.  It’s time.  This week and this week only Uncanny Magazine is accepting submissions.  They love diversity like Londoners love getting run over by trucks to show how tolerant they are, so I gave the editors some diversity of thought for consideration.  I’m so excited I could just burst.

Oh, but the email submissions don’t work.  The story I submitted about the most diversest super-heroine ever got an auto-response and a pointer to a different website.  Once you upload there, you’ll have to get in line – my submission was number 185 in the queue (that means “line” for my friends across the pond), and I feel really bad for the 184 chumps whats gonna get passed by as they race to read my submission.  It’s going to zip right through the slush pile, onto the editor’s desk, and cause a stogie to be pulled out of a mouth so it can yell, “Stop the presses!  We got a live one here!”

I can feel it!

[Fake Edit:]

bridge

Look everybody!  I’m helping!

Aw Bullwinkle, that trick never works!  But maybe this will…

bridge2

Deus Vult Intensifies!

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Space-X Accomplishes Something Big

Google fucking loves science, right?  I’m a giving sort of guy, so I made this accomplishment more Google-worthy.  Check it out, yo:

SpaceX-Goog

Diversity uber-alles!

Seriously, a reusable rocket is a big deal, and as a taxpayer you should pat yourself on the back for giving Elon Musk the money to put this together.  But do it quick – the Muskrat Man decided to quit the God-Emperor’s Council in a fit of pique that America is no longer part of the Paris Suicide Pact.

“But E. Reagan,” they squeal, “Every other country loves the deal.”

No shit, Sherlock.  The Paris Accord is basically a wealth transfer from the US of A to every other country on earth cake with a creamy Global Warming Frosting on top.  Everybody wants a bite of America, and everybody’s pissed that America doesn’t want to be served up on a platter.  It’s literally 200 sheep and a wolf voting on who should get America’s money, and now that we have some proper K-selected leadership in this country, we don’t have to belly up to the bloodsuckers any more.

You can almost feel that wall getting closer by the day.  Feels like winning!

 

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Just A Reminder

“For far too long tabletop gaming has been a [normal] hobby that lacked representation of women and minorities and women minorities, and we here at the Gen Con Industry Inside-Her Panel are here to correct the glaring mistakes of the past.”

Meanwhile, 24 years ago:

1993

Meanwhile, 27 years ago:

1990

Meanwhile, 33 years ago:

1984

If you’re going to present yourself as some sort of authority when it comes to tabletop gaming…it really does behoove you to know what the hell it is you’re talking about.  This is why nobody takes Gen Con’s Industry Insider-Her Panel seriously any more.

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Those Who Dynamite History

Get to re-write it!

“For far too long tabletop gaming has been a [normal] hobby that lacked representation of women and minorities and women minorities, and we here at the Gen Con Industry Inside-Her Panel are here to correct the glaring mistakes of the past.”

Meanwhile, 27 years ago:

1990

Meanwhile, 28 years ago:

1989

Meanwhile, 37 years ago:

1980

It’s a good thing those knowledgeable industry insiders are here to set the RPG hobby on the right path.  All they had to do was not know dick about it, and now they can do things that have never been done before.  We’ve always been at war with Oceania, don’t you know?

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Uncanny, Here I Come

Oh. My. God.

I have the BEST ideas.

It turns out you can make eight whole cents a word if you sell a story to Uncanny Magazine.  Their submissions are opening up on June 3rd, and I don’t just have the perfect story for them, I have TWO perfect stories for them.  They are about a heroine – not the kind of heroine that I love and loves me back, but the kind like in the comic books.  But this isn’t just any super-heroine, I’m talking about the kind of super-heroine that Marvel wishes they could produce a single six issue mini-series about and then cancel after two issues because comic book fans hate it.

Untitled.jpg

That’s my style, baby!

Now, here’s the thing.  I’m not transgendered right now, but I was when I wrote these stories.  I’ve been sitting on them – metaphorically speaking – for a few weeks because they needed some work.  And it’s exactly what Uncanny wants, because they want writers from “writers from every conceivable background.”

That’s me!  I’M from every concievable background.  And this story is about a woman, but the best kind of woman – a transgendered one – and it was written by a woman, but the best kind of woman – a transgendered one.

Maybe what I’ll do is submit the origin story to Uncanny, and then put the second, follow-up story for sale on Amazon.  That way you guys can read about my awesome creation, and I can pretend that my submission is a pre-quel that I purposely wrote second because non-linear story telling is avant garde and not at all hacky!

I’m so excited.  I know exactly what I’m going to buy with the $312.08 that Uncanny is going to pay me: a bag of super-heroine!

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City of Die Verse

“For far too long tabletop gaming has been a [normal] hobby that lacked representation of women and minorities and women minorities, and we here at the Gen Con Industry Inside-Her Panel are here to correct the glaring mistakes of the past.”

Meanwhile, in 1984:

meanwhile

Nice narrative you got there, ladies.  Shame if something were to happen to it…like facts!

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