Yeah, I’m still chapped about Shad’s ignorant bleatings about muh dernjerns and realizms. So sue me.
Female. Orc. Paladins.
Pick one. That’s all you get. I’m a reasonable guy – I’ll allow for female orcs*, even if the notion of beings of raw chaos personified…oh wait, that’s pretty much females in general. Scratch that. Orcs are supposed to represent the antithesis of forthright masculine nobility, and females in general…hmmm. I’m pretty bad at this. Let’s start over.
The point is that paladins are holy warriors. Orcs are the opposite of holy. You can put an orc in paladin armor, but that doesn’t make him a paladin any more than my wearing a bra makes me a woman. That goes doubly so for the bleeders. If you dress them in faux-Christian armor and give them big Disneyfied eyes and tiny little fangs, monster girls are still nasty, ya flippin’ weebs.
As a brief aside, somebody posted a picture of one of the current members of Saturday Night Live But Put This Sick Dog Out of Its Misery Already online. People still watch this show? Wonders !cease. There’s another Kanye-traversy seething in the hearts of the bitterbitches because dancing singing black man likes orange man and orange man bad. Naturally the SNL cast took to their podium to Drumph it up, and it’s not just me, is it? I mean…
BUT! If you want to devalue and devolve your game by making of it a paper thin simulacrum of the hearty and hale and vigorously alive gamespace that is Appendix N style D&D by just cramming elements together with no thought or understanding, like an alchemists slopping chemicals in a vat and declaring yourself a genius because nobody ever thought to mix bleach and vinegar in a small closet, go right ahead. Be my guest. But for the love of all things holy, don’t pretend like your game is somehow more erudite and a great leap forward over the simple and elegant roots of the game. You’re making D&D worse when you undercut its cultural foundations, and you look like a total jackass who can’t be bothered with the foolish consistency that, as the saying goes, is the mind’s herbgerblin.
*Female and infant kobolds made an appearance in the sacred texts (B2) after all. Nobody, not even the great prophet (Gygax akbar!) can get them all right.