Letting chicks down easy is an important skill that natural lotharios like your host learn early in life. I’m going to show you how to give women the soft negative when it comes to a seat at your D&D table.
Women ruin everything. (Looks at Western Civilization since the adoption of the nineteenth ammendment.) As my long time fans know, I have a standing policy of “no chicks” at my table. Now, You may wonder how I pull that off given that most of my game time is spent at conventions and the local game shop. They have all gone full retard, and a guy has to be smart to get around their ill-conceived two-minute hates and McCarthyite rules of conduct.
The good news is that for all their insistence that they are just as good at D&D as the toxically masculine and Adonis-like visaged dudebros who run OSR compliant D&D blogs, they really aren’t. They are so bad at D&D that they had to push for a thirty year evolution of the rules from the challenging and rugged OD&D to the limp-wristed feelz heavy version WotC pooped out most recently. They made significant inroads with Third Edition, turning AC into pure addition problem as you would expect from the “subtraction is hard” set. But even at that, having to hold all of those modifiers in your pretty little head all the time was just too much.
So here we are. After a grueling day at the sausage factory you’re ready for a sausage party. You don’t want to have to watch your mouth lest Brenda in accounting whinge to Debbie in HR about your off hand comment about women ruining everything. Where does she get off? It was half muttered while trying to get rid of ransomware Brenda accidentally downloaded when she clicked on an obvious piece of spam about how she could still have children in her forties. That ship done sailed and sank after hitting an iceberg called, The Wall, at 40 knots, Brenda.
It’s not that you don’t like women, it’s just that they have their time and place, and that time and place is not everywhere all the time. You like your big swinging richard, too, but that doesn’t mean you need to play with it ALL the time. Sometimes a guy needs a break. So you retreat to your DM screen and some chiquita notices your broad pecs and thick biceps and tried to muscle in. Or one of those damaged slabs with the shaved side of the head thrusts her manly jaw and sits down at your table to prove a point, because women have always been denied a place at the table. Oh, what a recipe for fun that crowd cooks up.
Anyway, you can chase them off real easy. Just whip out your Moldvay and play by the book. Grab a ruler and ram good old fashioned D&D down their throats. Skip the blah blah and the relationships and go fun on wargamer, and watch them pale and make excuses to leave the table so fast you’d think they were late for a candlelight vigil for the latest diversity truck victims. Those broads don’t want D&D, they want relationships. If the only relationships you give them are spatial relationships between their pawn and xer henchmen and the goblin warband, they get flustered. They get bored. They get gone.
Those drama queens can’t handle math and they can’t handle tactics. Tactics like scaring them away from your D&D table by playing D&D instead of the touchy-feely HR games that WotC pinches out after grunting like a wounded sow. They won’t even realize that you played them like a rainbow haired and pinch faced fiddle.
So if you want to rid your table of the people making D&D worse, all you have to do is play actual D&D as God and Gygax intended.