Field Report: The Public Circle Jerk

Fellow checks in with this harrowing tale of a near-SJW experience.  Before reading this, you may want to do some push-ups before reading this, take some shark cartilage pills, maybe stuff a nerd in his locker.  You’re going to need to, because just reading this field report will cause your T-levels to drop like Amelia Earhart’s plane at the first sign of turbulence.  A few details have been changed to protect the identity of the agent responsible for this report.

Was down at the FLGS setting up a table for some manly gaming goodness when a D&D group started their session at the table next to me.  Carl the Cuck’s shrimpy kid brother sat behind the sacred DM screen and presided over ten or so players.

They started the session by applauding the two players participating in their first ever D&D game like the two had just popped their cherries out back with old One Eyed Wanda the semi-retired local prostitute.

Immediately after the round of “participation” applause the GM says “Let’s go around the table and introduce ourselves, and our characters and (wait for it)… their motivations.” I almost dropped my tricked out miniature on the floor and my first thought was “Holy shit, I’m going to witness the exact same thing that ERW preaches about… story time D&D”.  Sure as shit they spent the next THIRTY MINUTES going around the table with every player describing their character in excruciating detail.  Some of them going all the way back to their characters childhood.

I wish I would’ve been able to record it for the LOL’s, because it was horrific and hilarious at the same time.  One character was some kind of [long, pointless story about ‘orcs killed muh village’ redacted].  That is a boiled down synopsis of a 5 minute spiel by this yahoo while the rest of the group sat around nodding sagely in rapt attention, except for one of their new guys whose gaze kept wandering over to the high-T tables next door.

The rest of the “motivations” and “personal histories” were just as bad, if not worse.  When it came time for the one new guy, who had obviously lost interest in all the “muh feels” bullshit, to give his “backstory” he was like “Um, he’s a warrior who has an axe and likes to kill creatures”.  The whole group was appalled that there wasn’t anything more, and the GM spent another good 5 minutes (with the table’s help) trying to figure out the warriors motivations… I shit you not, at one point they asked this guy if his character had ever had “any traumatic childhood experiences that would drive him toward violence”.  It was a clown show.

Gah!  That had more cringe worthy moments than a (((Larry David))) script.

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You can’t even start a circle jerk these days without reaffirming everyone’s life choices and congratulating them on being so special and wonderful.  Thirty minutes wasted.  I could get a 10 man party through two full Moldvay combats in that amount of time.  Rabbits pressuring normal humans to get with the storygame program need to get out, REEEEE!

Really, what you do in the privacy of your own home is up to you and the rest of your degenerate friends, but come on.  Have a little shame.  Shame is a good thing to have – you can never have any pride if you don’t experience a little shame once in a while.  You need to feel ashamed when you do embarrassing things like this.  That’s the impetus that you need to motivate yourself to get better and have something worth feeling proud of!

This story has everything but fudged die roll, fishlips, and fedoras.  I laughed.  I cried.  (Manly tears of hilarity, but that counts.)  Russian judge gives it a 9 out of 10 on the Louise Mensch Crazy Scale.  Would definitely read again.

 

 

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About The Alt-Right DM

At long last, a tall cool drink of alt-right water in the midst of a liberal and cuckservative desert. Inspired by the need for soldiers in the Culture War, E. Reagan Wright volunteered to stand up to the forces of progressivism before they complete their takeover of the once energetic, diverse and just plain fun hobby of role-playing games. A lone voice in the digital wilderness preaching to that quiet, right-wing remnant that has languished in the cold for years. E. Reagan Wright loves his Mom, guns, apple pie, football, and calling that lesser game by its rightful name - soccer.
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2 Responses to Field Report: The Public Circle Jerk

  1. The Mixed GM says:

    That was cringeworthy. I have done some really dumb stuff as a DM…I mean really dumb.

    But this…this is just awful. Garbage. Refuse. The Platonic form of story-gaming nonsense.

    Why is it so hard to be creative and come up with a story on the fly…through gameplay? Make your character a somewhat blank canvas and just go with it! That warrior with the axe was perfect. Kill critters, acquire currency. Interact with the world as it happens.

    I think that too much character backstory is the same problem as the problem with prequels in books and movies. If the past was so gosh-darn interesting, why aren’t you playing / writing that!?!?

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  2. Cirsova says:

    My friend was running a brutal hack & slash using Lamentations to test out a random ‘abandoned city’ generator he coded. We were maybe 3 sessions in and I was already on my 4th character. A new guy joined us, and went into a lengthy description of his character, where he was from, his manner of dress, and how he was studiously at work writing scrolls at the tavern table… We all just kind of laughed awkwardly; after about an hour his character had to be trached following a giant bee sting and then I think he got eaten by Deep Ones.

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