Fellow checks in with this harrowing tale of a near-SJW experience. Before reading this, you may want to do some push-ups before reading this, take some shark cartilage pills, maybe stuff a nerd in his locker. You’re going to need to, because just reading this field report will cause your T-levels to drop like Amelia Earhart’s plane at the first sign of turbulence. A few details have been changed to protect the identity of the agent responsible for this report.
Was down at the FLGS setting up a table for some manly gaming goodness when a D&D group started their session at the table next to me. Carl the Cuck’s shrimpy kid brother sat behind the sacred DM screen and presided over ten or so players.
They started the session by applauding the two players participating in their first ever D&D game like the two had just popped their cherries out back with old One Eyed Wanda the semi-retired local prostitute.
Immediately after the round of “participation” applause the GM says “Let’s go around the table and introduce ourselves, and our characters and (wait for it)… their motivations.” I almost dropped my tricked out miniature on the floor and my first thought was “Holy shit, I’m going to witness the exact same thing that ERW preaches about… story time D&D”. Sure as shit they spent the next THIRTY MINUTES going around the table with every player describing their character in excruciating detail. Some of them going all the way back to their characters childhood.
I wish I would’ve been able to record it for the LOL’s, because it was horrific and hilarious at the same time. One character was some kind of [long, pointless story about ‘orcs killed muh village’ redacted]. That is a boiled down synopsis of a 5 minute spiel by this yahoo while the rest of the group sat around nodding sagely in rapt attention, except for one of their new guys whose gaze kept wandering over to the high-T tables next door.
The rest of the “motivations” and “personal histories” were just as bad, if not worse. When it came time for the one new guy, who had obviously lost interest in all the “muh feels” bullshit, to give his “backstory” he was like “Um, he’s a warrior who has an axe and likes to kill creatures”. The whole group was appalled that there wasn’t anything more, and the GM spent another good 5 minutes (with the table’s help) trying to figure out the warriors motivations… I shit you not, at one point they asked this guy if his character had ever had “any traumatic childhood experiences that would drive him toward violence”. It was a clown show.
Gah! That had more cringe worthy moments than a (((Larry David))) script.
You can’t even start a circle jerk these days without reaffirming everyone’s life choices and congratulating them on being so special and wonderful. Thirty minutes wasted. I could get a 10 man party through two full Moldvay combats in that amount of time. Rabbits pressuring normal humans to get with the storygame program need to get out, REEEEE!
Really, what you do in the privacy of your own home is up to you and the rest of your degenerate friends, but come on. Have a little shame. Shame is a good thing to have – you can never have any pride if you don’t experience a little shame once in a while. You need to feel ashamed when you do embarrassing things like this. That’s the impetus that you need to motivate yourself to get better and have something worth feeling proud of!
This story has everything but fudged die roll, fishlips, and fedoras. I laughed. I cried. (Manly tears of hilarity, but that counts.) Russian judge gives it a 9 out of 10 on the Louise Mensch Crazy Scale. Would definitely read again.