Hur dur, I’m such a tough DM. *wheeze* My players all *puffs on inhaler* fear what I’ll do to them *dabs sweaty brow with lace kerchief* next session.
You are the dungeon master. You don’t take sides. You stand aloof and impartial, and you judge the game with the dispassionate air that would make a Vulcan tear up with pride. You’re the guy that paints the white lines on the football* field. You’re a football referee – and I’m talking about real American football here, not that rigged and crooked two hour tedium of soccer that they whoop and holler about in the less developed countries. (Which is all of them. That reminds me:
But that’s just when it comes to adjudicating the game. These are your friends we’re talking about. At a minimum they are people who you have willingly chosen to spend time with. You’ve labored for hours for these ingrates, and it’s all just to stroke your massive ego that, with all the power of a fake world at your hands, you can laugh when you stuff them in situations that kill them? Yeah, you’re a real badass, poindexter.
This might be the most gamma shirt I’ve seen in a long time.
Don’t be that GM. Be the judge that comes down harsh on a crook because you want wants best for him. Celebrate with your players when they use one clever spell to defeat your big bad bossorc. Cheer when they sneak in and steal a shield out from under the Goblin King’s seat. Root for them when they win, and mourn when they lose.
And for God’s sake, don’t brag about being able to kill players or congratulate yourself for it. If your players keep dying and dying and dying in stupid ways, you’re playing D&D wrong. You’re all stick and no carrot. You’re not teaching them anything about the game and how to play it right!
If you wear this shirt, you are a bad DM.
And if you are a player who sits at a table with somebody wearing this shirt? Run, don’t walk. Lumber, don’t stroll. Just get away, because the guy wearing this shirt is like the brightly colored poison dart frog – he is telling you to move on, I’m not worth your time.