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Boys used to watch as many movies, if not more, than girls. But over the last two decades, boys have simply gravitated away from film. We asked a panel of critical analysts culled from the sociology department of Evergreen University, the gender studies department at Vassar, and the VP of Political Action at Planned Parenthood, among others, and they reached the conclusion that boys don’t watch movies because they can’t sit still, are less intelligent, and smell funny, too.
“There’s nothing wrong with the movies being produced today,” said Mx. Bahlbuster, professor of cultural studies at Missouri University. “They have been carefully crafted to adhere to what the modern audience craves. Everyone in my feminist knitting circle just loves the line-up of gender-swapped Marvel hero movies coming out now. The only possible explanation for boys not enjoying movies is that they are stupid and dull.”
After a solid round of finger snapping, Brenda Stikkit-N’Mbuthol agreed. A fortysomething street artists whose medium consists of her own menstrual blood and who makes ends meet by canvassing the streets part-time for Antifa, she said, “Of all the 57 genders, the only one that truly sucks is the male. If they can’t appreciate the Oscar winning performances of the crazy lesbian in “Ghostbusters” – I don’t even know why we keep them around anymore, ugh.”
Films made during the dark ages, films like Commando, American Ninja 2, and Invasion USA, might have appealed to less sophisticated pallets, but today’s films like Clarissa Wins Everything Without Breaking a Sweat, ScienceGirl To the Rescue, and A Hijab for My Kebab should be raking in the dough across all gender, racial, political, and furry divides. That they are not clearly signals a lingering problem with audiences, and not the film-makers who are special, oh yes they are! Who’s a special Hollywood executive? Huh? Huh? Yes, you are, that’s a good Hollywood executive!
We asked multi-millionaire film director Joss Whedon and he answered, “Whatever they say – I agree completely. Please, tell me what I should say here – whatever they want me to say, I’ll say it. Whatever they want me to do, I’ll do it. Tell me what I can do to make the left love me again. Oh God, I’m begging you! Begging you! I’m desperate for validation from people who will always hate me no matter what I do. Don’t they know I’m gay! I’M GAY! That’s supposed to make me immune from criticism!”
There are those who suggest that perhaps Hollywood’s decision to cater exclusively to the coastal enclaves has been a mistake, and that demanding boys like things that boys don’t like was a mistake. They have been rounded up and sent to re-education camps.
Objectively speaking, it makes no sense. Why, look at the stills taken from a collection of short films being presented at colleges across the country. It’s breathtaking in how glorious it is. What red-blooded American boy wouldn’t leap at the chance to watch these four films? Everyone loves girl bands. Minority science girls are all the rage. And whatever the hell is going on in that upper right photo is amazing! Why, there isn’t a normal white guy polluting up the bunch, it’s just precious beyond belief. Clearly, boys are just weak and stupid and threatened by strong female figures in their lives.
Box office receipts are a tenth of what they were just a short decade ago, but this decline has nothing to do with the quality of the product. A host of excuses were proffered ranging from boys being stupid to boys being dumb. Literally no one can even think of any other reason that boys might have drifted away from a medium that used to affirm the timeless virtues of strength, honor, and self-sacrifice. Literally everyone thinks films that glorify the sexualization of pre-pubescents and that provide constant affirmation that girls everywhere are awesome and special and deserving of rewards and accolades regardless of their actual accomplishments are the only kinds of film that should have ever been made.
Whatever the reason, boys just don’t understand that hating boys – particularly white ones – is the only way to live a healthy life. We polled 100 fans at a Melissa Ethridge concert and 99 of them agreed that Hollywood is making exactly the kind of movies they want to see. Because we didn’t want to bias the results we also polled 100 fans at a Nickleback concert and it turns out 99 of them are also gay. So that’s 198 to 2 that the only reason boys don’t like movies catering exclusively to girls is that boys are all rapists.
But not the Muslim ones – it would be racist against a political movement to say that.
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