Cripples and Gimps and Schizo’s, Oh MY!

Holy cats, leftists who like D&D sure get prickly when you try to engage them in conversation about D&D rather than the current buzzword hotness!  I’ll spare you the gruesome rainbow-haired details, the important thing about the convo was the inciting incident.  I blundered into two blokes, and I use the term loosely, trolling Twitter with an Alt-Right DM-worthy discussion about how to make D&D less ‘ableist’ by including deliberately gimped characters.  “Hoo-ha!” thinks your host, “Here’s some fine mockery through amplification!”

Not so.  They were quite serious.  Quite serious indeed about the need for a way to incorporate cripples, mutes, and retards.  Such a novel idea that so rarely appears in the game, they fellated.  Things got oddly hostile when I pointed out that such things were as old as the Three Brown Books.  As is the Morlock’s wont, they launched into schizophrenic personal attacks and threats of online sexual harassment, and the conversation devolved into naughty little Reagan laughing at the monkeys into rubbing poo in their rainbow colored hair.

The things I put up with to bring you these incites, people, they oughtta raise a plague in my name.


> “A plague, I think you mean -“
> “That’s not a typo, Arvind.”

Once again, this serves as an example of the leftist hivemind destroying one of the great aspects of the tabletop RPG hobby, stinking up the place, and then re-introducing the very thing they drove out in a glorious fanfare of brilliant imaginative creativity.  But it’s cool this time, because it serves the Demon Nar’rative.

These mincing faggots have the audacity to whine about the ‘everybody gets a trophy’ style of play that THEY foisted on us and demanded as the default assumption at the table.  They shrieked like harpies about their precious character’s narrative arc.  Now that the game lacks drama and meaning, they return to the Old Magic, but reclaim it as their own.


If you want to incorporate cripples, gimps, and ‘tards into your game, there is an easy way to do it, and all you have to do is look back to the Sacred Texts brought down from the peaks of Lake Geneva by the blessed prophet Gygax:


Here at the Casa de Wright, we’ve been playing characters with all sorts of debilitating since long before games like GURPS offered to pay you to do it.  Trash Gordon, the brawny fighter with a 4 INT.  Old Man McGillicutty, the feeble wizard with a 6 STR.  Timmy Junior, the preternaturally aged and infirm cleric with a 3 CON.

We don’t take these maladies for the elite-skills their points would grant us.  We don’t take these hindrances in order to virtue signal about how inclusive we are.  We just took the hand the dice dealt us and made do the best we could with them.  Kinda like we do in the real world.

Huh.  There’s that concept again.  Playing the game in a way that reinforces a healthy view of life, the universe, and everything.  It’s almost like playing D&D the way God, Reagan, and Gygax want you to can make you a happier, healthier, and wealthier person.

I’m trying to help you people, here!


About The Alt-Right DM

At long last, a tall cool drink of alt-right water in the midst of a liberal and cuckservative desert. Inspired by the need for soldiers in the Culture War, E. Reagan Wright volunteered to stand up to the forces of progressivism before they complete their takeover of the once energetic, diverse and just plain fun hobby of role-playing games. A lone voice in the digital wilderness preaching to that quiet, right-wing remnant that has languished in the cold for years. E. Reagan Wright loves his Mom, guns, apple pie, football, and calling that lesser game by its rightful name - soccer.
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3 Responses to Cripples and Gimps and Schizo’s, Oh MY!

  1. emperorponders says:

    Let me guess, they wanted their characters crippled but still powerful enough to beat everything, and the world had to scale down to their new gimped needs.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Cirsova says:

      First character I rolled up once in an OSR game had above average intelligence and ok dex, but had CON 3. I’d originally pitched the idea of being a crippled and emaciated invalid carried around by a giant mook who could point me in the direction of puzzles that needed solving and traps that needed figuring out, but I ended up just rerolling, since he was like cumulative -4 or something.


  2. Randolph Carter says:

    If you really want to work it, play it in live-action boffer weapon roleplay.
    I played a deaf warrior who couldn’t speak, but who paid double build points to know how to write; he carried notes and if you wanted to have a lengthy conversation with him you had to write it in his little notebook. To avoid being snuck up on in the woods he’d walk in a circle, and if someone called a retreat in a mass battle someone would have to grab him by the shoulder and pull him away. Great fun, and it allowed me to see just how much of communication is carried in body position and posture while I was interpreting everything I saw.

    (The trick was that I was one of the top three fighters there because I did martial arts, and therefore everyone would still want me on their team even though they had to have the wizard write down plans to me and explain what was going on. Not to mention the nobles wanting a tough bodyguard who couldn’t hear secrets.)


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