You filthy whores with your #diceshaming hashtag should be ashamed of yourselves. You deserve your story telling circlejerks where you already know the answers and your pre-mapped character path proceeds exactly as planned with nary a hitch nor deviation. Everybody survives, everybody wins, and no excitement or drama is allowed to show it’s face.
You don’t deserve the light of Kek to shine upon you.
What’s Pepe have to do with all this?
Pepe, as we all know is an avatar of the ancient Egyptian frog god, Kek. One of Kek’s domains was that of chaos. More specifically, he is the light bringer that delivers order from the raw stuff of chaos. Just like your dice.
They know, people. They know.
When you drop that little piece of plastic, it taps into the raw primordial plane of probability and possibility, and from that soup it draws forth information of vital import to your game. It’s not just a shiny accoutrement, it’s a conduit of creation. It reaches out into the void and chooses the one path among many that will guide your character to his proper end.
Ignore it at your peril.
Don’t lament those times when it’s wisdom gifts you with a result you did not hope for. Instead, be grateful that it opened a door that you did not expect and led you down a path both dark and mysterious. Watch and interpret it’s patterns, and whole new vistas of reality will open up before your very eyes.
Take a lesson from this spaz:
This die has saved you! That enemy was not meant to die. His tale was not ended, and you would have done well to parley, trade, or intimidate that enemy. You did not expect this perhaps, but it. Was. Meant. To. Be. And for a reason. That reason is for you to discover with the aid of your DM, but is there or the dice would not have led you to that point.
If you do not trust the dice, why do you play games with them?
Perhaps you do not trust the Alt-Right DM. Then you would not play games with him, no?
There are many games that do not use dice. Those gay storytelling circlejerk games, Chutes and Ladders, Stratego, Diplomacy, and at least three others. You may want to try one of those.
But if you play with the dice, you must trust them. You must listen to them.
And whatever you do, do not shame them.
For Kek is not a kind God, and his retribution is a terrible swift sword. Even the mightiest fall before it: